I've never written a blog before, so bear with me. Andrea has asked me to put my thoughts out here on the inter-highway. I've been a little resistant, maybe because I'm SOOOO introverted and guarded with my emotions. Nevertheless, I will do this for her...so she doesn't feel alone. I know it means a ton to her when others who follow this blog understand where she's coming from, but that can only take her so far. We talk often, but sometimes she has to pull teeth to get me to open up. So, I have shared more with her as of late, but not with too many outside of our home. So, here goes....
I love my daughter. I love the way she makes our family more complete than before she arrived. I wasn't sure what to expect when in the hospital waiting for her to be born, but from the moment I saw her (not breathing and all...) she had captivated me. She has always kindof been a papa's girl. I like that. A LOT. I guess that may come from spending all of her days with mama at hand, and just a few hours with me in the evenings, but I'll take it. I love the way she squeals when I get home, like she's just unwrapped the greatest gift on Earth. The irony though, is that Abigail is that gift for us.
Our days are so full of joy, laughter, song and dance. Abigail has taught us how to love and to be loved. I've never met anyone with such abounding love to give so freely as she does...always expecting nothing in return. Don't get me wrong though, our days aren't all full of rainbows and roses. Some of them are ROUGH! I tend to let things roll off and keep going (or I like to think so). It's probably more a case that I just absorb them and have become very adept at cramming it way down inside. But this blog, or the story at large, isn't really about me...or Abigail. It's about Jesus Christ.
I never question His goodness. EVER. I know that this world is screwed up and that terrible things happen. Our daughter has this NF that has created so many issues from day one, both great and small. Abigail now has two tumors (MRI at 6:30 tomorrow morning to look into the most recent one, which happens to be in her neck). Insurance won't cover surgery. It's expensive. All that aside, my mind does go to a place of fear...
Fear that this is the beginning of the end. That Abigail will die VERY EARLY. That at her age and having two plexis does not bode well statistically. That there will come a day when Andrea and I wake up to an empty bedroom across the hall. That I will come home from work and not be greeted by an overjoyed little girl who can't wait to read "dopted you" or to "watch-uh pudue". That I will not have an eager partner to play her "itar" while I play my guitar. That I will lose the capacity to laugh and to love with such a richness that I've never known before. That it will all be painful for her.
But even in these moments, I know that Jesus IS GOOD. That He hasn't changed, and that her affliction is not a result of our sin or hers or even her birth mom's. I know that no matter what happens, He will be glorified by her life and death, regardless of how brief or long, how painful or pleasant. I will continue to place my hope in Him. If I can't do that, what else is there?? I sure don't want to be placing all my trust and hope in another man, who's just as messed up as I am. If I can't make Abigail all better, then neither can they. There is only One who can set her free (and isn't bound by statistics), and one day He will do just that. I don't know if that means He will bring healing in this life, or as she is welcomed Home.
My heart is heavy writing this. Partially because I try not to think much about all this if I can (Abigail makes this easier to do, as she knows and acts as though nothing is abnormal about her life), and part is because tonight I am alone. Andrea and Abigail are on their way to Indy to stay with a friend, so they'll be closer for the early morning MRI. But, unfortunately, it gives me a small glimpse of what it would be like without her...very quiet. And EMPTY.
I know we looked crazy while we literally waited on God to bring us a baby. We waited for three years, but look what He had in store! I hate to think about Abigail's mortality and how difficult it would be to move forward without her, but I wouldn't trade any of the time we've had with her to go back and do it over differently. These have been by far the BEST, most rewarding, and certainly the most refreshing 2 1/2 years of my life. I look forward to what the Lord has in store for years to come. I understand that some of you may think we look crazy for not freaking out and for trusting God, etc., especially if you may not love the Lord. But the way I see it, I hope you ALL would think we were crazy if we were NOT able to fully trust and hope in Him alone.
So, as we wait for the MRI and then results, please continue lifting us up in prayer. That the Lord would be a constant companion for Andrea in the moments where I am lacking. That He would continue to pour out His Spirit on Abigail, so she may continue to light up the world from the ground up. That we would be quick to recognize Christ's true nature manifest through our little one. That we would be more intentional about sharing Christ with Abigail, as we don't know the day or hour of her departure. That above all else, we would have the sweet praise of His name on our lips from the time we wake till the time we sleep.
Abigail's loving papa, overwhelmed by his loving Papa...