As a result of Abigail's NF as well as frequent weight fluctuations, we still do 'well checks' every six months. And tomorrow Abigail will be 2-1/2. So today we went in for a well check. I knew that her weight was down again as a result of being sick last month. I knew we would talk about her upcoming surgery. I planned on mentioning the new description of my eyebrow hurts mama' because it sounds like a headache description. But really there wasn't anything big on the radar for the day.
But here I sit, once again having the wind knocked out of me by an unexpected blow. Abigail had an ultrasound of her neck today. The doctor found a 'possible enlarged lymph node' which didn't really scare me at all. I wasn't sure why we were doing an ultrasound, but figured better safe than sorry.
And at 5:08 when the nurse called I realized that the doctor probably was trying not to alarm me because it was possible that it was an enlarged lymph node. But in the end it turned out to be an 'abnormal mass around 1.5 cm' in her neck. We will get a phone call tomorrow with the date and time of our daughter's next MRI.
There are hundreds of thoughts bouncing around my head. Perhaps it's because I know too much about NF, and not enough about what is in my daughter's neck. But truth be told a neck tumor is a hell of a lot scarier, and a much bigger deal than a leg tumor. Sure, I don't want my daughter's ability to walk and dance taken away, but more than that, I don't want her to be ability to breathe taken away.
I called a few people to ask for prayer and to let them know before we made it public on the world wide web. And my friend said something that truly resounded with where I have been the last few weeks. I am just overwhelmed and extremely tired. Not just physically, but the kind of tired that makes your soul long for the day that there will be no more pain, no more sorrow, and every tear will be wiped away.
My friend told me this vision she had on Sunday at church, of when the men stood next to Moses and held up his arms because he was too tired, and if he let them fall the Israelites would lose the war. She said she immediately looked up and saw me raising my hands in praise and felt like they needed held up. It is the best description of how I feel. It's not that I don't want to raise my hands, it's just that my arms are getting tired. Really tired. And I need a few people around me to help me keep them raised.
If you could hold us up in prayer right now we would greatly appreciate it. There are lots more things I could say, but it is all still pure speculation.
In need of the kind of rest that only my God can give,