Thursday, April 16, 2015

myself, when i am real.

a year ago I was starting to feel it.  the wounds were scarring over nicely, and the pain had diminished.  I could look at pictures of our past few years without crying.  I could pray.  that was a big one for me. the feeling that God had abandoned me in a hospital room for three months was fading.
but, everything backed up again with the birth of my son.  I've spent the months asking why, and knowing i'll likely never get an answer. the distance returned.  the trust diminished.  I can happily spit out the things people want to hear so they aren't uncomfortable, 'we are just so thankful that he's here and okay.'
and, it's true.  I am thankful.  but, i'm also angry.  and sad. and frustrated.  and I want more than anything to know God.  to feel Him.  to think He might be hearing me when I ask for things.  but, not just hearing me.  responding to me.  wanting to give me good things.  no more hard please.  I need a big long break from hard.
the past few weeks have been wrought with ugly parenting things with my big.  I never see them coming, and I have no idea if we are doing anything right when these things hit.  so tonight, I climbed up the ladder to her bed, and laid next to her.  I sang to her.  she sang to me.  she talked about things that seem so small from my adult world.  they're significant to her.  so I listened. 
then, she rolled over, sucked her thumb, and rubbed her lambie between her fingers.  I rubbed her back and silently thought.  or prayed.  or maybe those two things are one in the same.  I thought about how angry I am about hospital stays.  how I just keep cycling through the same things over and over.  and, maybe, she's angry about hospital stays too.  but, she's six.  and she doesn't know exactly how to say that.  so it looks different than it does for me.
I thought about how I can go to God over and over again, with my ugly thoughts, and my frustrations with Him, and how He doesn't ever seem to lose his temper.  He just lets me be angry.  and I pictured him rubbing my back as I fall asleep at the end of a day where I have spent the whole day stomping my feet and yelling at Him.  how He always seems to be there when I look back at things, right in the middle of it all, sustaining me.  and I told Him that I was trying.  trying to figure out who He was.  and that I would continue to seek, pursue, and run after Him, even on the days where i'm not sure how I feel about Him.  and I told Him that was really hard for me because I was afraid that He might abandon me.  get angry and decide i'm not worth the effort. or that He already had.
I eventually kissed big on the head and told her she was my favorite six year old in the whole world wide.  and I thanked her for singing to me.  the song she sang, was a kids song, by an artist named Justin Roberts.  lots of his stuff is really silly.  but, for some reason, she picked a song from one of his c.d.'s that is taken from old testament stories.  specifically, this song was taken from job. as if her lips were singing a soothing balm to a broken heart.

'where were you, when I laid the earth's foundation?
where were you, when I set the stars in space?
and they all sang together.
they all sang together up in space.
allelu, allelu, alleleuia.'

(if you want to hear the whole song, this is not him singing it, but it has the words with it)

someday, all things will be made right.  maybe, i'll even get to see the bigger plan that played into the last three years being hard.  but, for now, this doesn't wrap up neatly.  things are hard.  and, I don't want to act like it's all okay.  I struggle.  if you struggle too, that's okay.  if you're tired of hearing pat answers, and warding off those who blame you so that they can continue to believe that really hard things are from a lack of faith, come join me in.  it's hard here.  but, there are lots of really good days.  and laughter abounds because I use sarcasm to get through the hard ones.