Heartsick.

Before you read any further in this post please go read this blog entry.  It's beautiful isn't it.  I read it tonight, and it seemed like a good jumping point for some thoughts I wanted to share.

What seems like forever ago, we were waiting on a baby.  God had told us that He was bringing us a little girl and her name should be Abigail.  During that time period, I watched a neighbor girl have her fourth, fifth, and sixth kid (she has eight now).  I also watched her not doing much parenting, and leaving it all to her oldest, who was around nine at the time her sixth was born.  I became slightly indignant and made certain to let God know how unfair it was that someone who didn't want kids kept having them, and someone who did couldn't.
On a warm day my husband, our dog Maggie, and I were our for a walk.  Some friends were outside.  They told us that they were pregnant, with their second.  During this time in my life the announcement of someone being pregnant always left a little sting.  However, this particular pregnancy was unexpected, and they seemed a little more exasperated than excited (they did eventually become excited, and they definitely love this child).  I was both heartbroken, and pissed.
I came home that day and went to my bedroom.  I sobbed as I told God just how unfair He was being.  I let Him know just exactly how I felt about people who didn't want to be pregnant having multiple children and on and on.  I carried on with my little fit for a while before I just layed there and cried.  God allowed me to cry and whine for a while (much longer than I allow it from my daughter).
And then,tenderly and firmly, God let me know a couple of things.  He first let me know that He could make it so that I could get pregnant.  That wasn't too hard for Him, and was something He would be more than willing to do.  He also clearly let me know that IF I got pregnant, it would not be the child He had promised us, and it wouldn't hold the same promises as our Abigail.
I won't say that the wait wasn't painful from there.  This was revealed to me at the very beginning of our process so we still waited over two years from that point before we heard about Abigail.  However, there was something about knowing that God really did have a plan that instantly took the bitterness away.

Like the blog I posted above talks about, it's really easy for me to look in the rear-view mirror and see how smooth that all was.  A long wait ended in a beautiful relationship with Abigail's tummy mommy, and one truly amazing little girl.  Our lives have been so full and rich, not only just being parents, but learning so much from God, as the result of getting to be Abigail's parents.  The trip felt scary, and I white knuckled it for sure, but here we are.
And like any crazy person along for this ride, we have decided to travel that same scary road again.  Most people would think that the second time around wouldn't seem quite so bad.  You know where most of the bumps are, and you know what the end result is.  I, at least, have been trying to tell myself that.
In reality though, I am just trying to keep from feeling the pain again.  Silly, I know.  So last night as we watched a show together, and a couple finds out they are chosen to adopt a baby, I felt it.  That ache that sat in my chest while we waited for Abigail.  That feeling of longing for my child, and knowing that all I can do is buckle up, and hold on.  I have been fighting it for a while, but couldn't control it any longer last night.
The truth is, despite that I have been on a very similar road, and despite that I can scoop up the most beautiful results in my arms, and kiss her repeatedly until she says, 'no sank you mama,' I am scared.  I spent three years walking around with that pain.  It just sat there, day in and day out.  Sometimes it got worse, but it never went away.  And honestly, I don't want to feel it again.  I especially don't want to feel it again for three years. 
It's that feeling of being heartsick, the feeling of hope being deferred; the reason that Abigail's middle name is Tohelet.  'Hope (Tohelet) deferred makes the heartsick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.'  Proverbs 13:12
I don't want to live heartsick.  Yes, it's different this time, because I already have my first Tohelet upstairs sleeping right now.  That doesn't make it easier.  So we have buckled ourselves in, my knuckles are white, and I have tears streaming down my face.  But somewhere in me, just like before, I know that one day, I will get to look back, and realize that this road wasn't so scary.  And the company, the smiles, and the conversations I will get to have with the driver, will make the memory of this road even sweeter.  There will be much laughter and celebration when we arrive at our next destination as well.

Longing for our next child,