Saturday, May 15, 2010
You'll be in my heart.
Abigail with lambie and monkey showing me her "happy face."
All right. This is a bit cheesy, but it goes with my story so I will admit it to all of you. One of the songs that I have sung to Abigail since the day she was born is "You'll be in my Heart" by Phil Collins. It is from the Disney movie "Tarzan."
The song is supposed to be from the ape mother to the human son she adopted. Although I did not adopt a different species, we did cross racial boundaries. I like it, and I like what the words say.
Abigail is still a bit sick this evening. We put her to bed, and about 45 minutes later she woke up crying. I went up to rock her and was singing this to her. I got to the line, "I will protect you from all around you, I will be here don't you cry" and I felt like a liar.
I had to choke back the tears as I finished the song. It hit me hard and fast. I can't actually protect my baby from everything. I can protect her from some things, but this weekend has been a big reminder of all of the things I can not protect her from.
I can't keep my baby from sickness, pain, and tumors. My protection is limited. I will do my best to keep the bad things away that I am able to. However I will be here for her. I will hold her when she's sick, in pain, and crying.
As I've thought about the fact that we are dealing with the possibility of a milk and peanut butter allergy, the likelihood of a tumor, and the definitive of being sick, I've been thinking about Job. I by no means think we have had as much pain or heartache as Job. However I have to say that when things just keep piling on I can identify with him.
My thoughts have turned to wondering how he lost his children. I wonder if Job's children died all of a sudden, or if they suffered; because watching Abigail contend with illness, and knowing the possibility of what lies ahead, is a big test of faith. It would be easy, and understandable for someone in our situation to give God the finger, and walk away. Some of the other people I know that are dealing with NF have done this.
I am not angry at God: I don't even blame Him. I may not be able to protect her, but I can teach her about the One who is able to. I am hopeful that as we walk through the chaos of all of the extras, that Abigail will see that we only make it through because we know The One who created Abigail.
"My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139: 15-16