Most days I am fine. I take the hand that we have been dealt and I move forward. Time spent whining and fussing about how unfair things are, is time waisted. It doesn't change anything, and just seems to want to sprout into a tree of bitterness. So I choose to not let myself think those things.
But some days, well some days I can't help but feel overwhelmed. These are the days when I hear Abigail chatting in her room and I quietly think to myself, "No thank you. I do not want to do the extra things today. I only want to grab my girly, feed her breakfast and spend the rest of the time playing playing playing."
These days I get up slowly and reluctantly. I prepare Abigail's first nebulizer treatment, and muster up a smile before I walk in her bedroom. I do my best to not sigh as I give her the vitamin she needs during breakfast. I try to stay patient as I rub her down with lotion and she squirms and giggles her way out of my reach over and over. I act like it's perfectly normal that my one year old has to wear glasses. Then I do my best to not be sad as I put on her socks, orthotics, and shoes. As the rest of the day goes on I pretend to not notice that she isn't able to do the things that our friends 14 month old can do. All of the little reminders of our life being different just add up. And then as we do her last nebulizer treatment before bed I start to allow myself to let go of the day. I begin to relax knowing that, as always, I made it through, and will do it again tomorrow.
Some of the things in this list might seem little. Things like having to put lotion on her everyday. It is small, aside from the fact that I HAVE to do it everyday. This is one of those days where Holland just feels like it sucks. It's a day where I want to give our list of special needs the finger and say so long, we are off to greener pastures where we don't see specialist, do physical therapy, or worry about pain. You know, the place where most of the people I know seemed to have ended up.
Know that as you read this, tomorrow I will be fine. I will wake up and not give a second thought to all the things we have to do. However I think it's good sometimes to allow myself a day to be frustrated, angry, and sad about the extras. Not to wallow in self pity, but to allow myself to say this sucks, have a good scream about it, and then move on. So today I will do what is required of me, and what is best for my daughter. I will do it all the while thinking, "no thank you."