Sunday, March 25, 2012

the truth.

so the thing about being where we are right now is that it's hard to describe the emotions of it.  yes it sucks that shilo is sick, and we can't hold her, and there is no end in sight.  it feels overwhelmingly depressing that the sights and sounds of a hospital are familiar to the point of comfort.  i don't react to the beeping alarms.  i can drown out the crying children in other rooms.  none of this seems that big to me at the moment.
the part that hurts is that i miss.  i miss my husband.  right now we would put our girlies to bed and then go sit on the steps together outside the door, listening to the white noise of the monitors, and talking about our days, and days to come. 
i miss our big girl and getting to do the day in and day out things that seem insignificant most of the time.  i miss candy land, and re-reading the same book over and over.  i miss playing outside, and making french toast together.  i miss her laugh.
i miss our family time.  our nightly walks through our neighborhood, saying hello to our friends as we walk the same loop that we have for seven years now.  i miss reading together at bedtime with the girls, and fighting over who is going to hold shilo when she wakes up.  i miss watching abigail lovingly force/teach shilo to sing baby shark, and seeing shilo smile about it despite the roughness of the interaction.  i miss watching abigail trying to teach shilo new signs.
and all these things are really hard.  but the thing that breaks my heart right now is how much i miss shilo.  i miss her cry.  i look at pictures of abigail at the same age and realize more and more that we are missing out on this whole big chunk of shilo's life right now.  she is growing as she lies in her bed, and i won't know what she felt like at nine pounds, because i never got to hold her when she was nine pounds.  i rarely see her eyes, and her smile is gone for the moment.
most of the things i miss while i'm here are memories that i will get to return to when we get out of this place.  but the part of shilo's life we are missing isn't able to be picked up where it's left off.  we don't just get to resume things and resettle like we will with lots of other things.  and it breaks my heart knowing that everyday, as i sit in a room with my baby, that i am missing part of her life.

18 comments:

  1. Hugs. It just sounds so hard. Praying for you and your whole family. Reminded of the verse in Joel 2 - "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten ..."

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  2. Hang in there; it won't be like this forever.

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  3. Light and love to you and yours... There will be something at the end of all this that you will cherish forever.

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  4. My breaks for you. Please know that I am thinking of you, Shilo, and your family every day. Peace be with you.


    Love Bomb member

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  5. Praying for you all... debj

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  6. I can only imagine...my little one was in the NICU for a brief time at birth, and I had many of the same thoughts. We missed out on some of that bonding. I feel for you, having this extend time of uncertainty and missing out on things - but I know Shilo will always love you for your vigil and you are loving her just as much in that bed as if you were snuggling her close. It's a different kind of love maybe, but it definitely isn't absent. Hang in there, lots of people are praying for you.

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  7. Hugs to you. Hang on to your memories, and I pray for more blessed memories for your family in the future.

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  8. Hug and prayers for you and your family!

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  9. My heart is breaking for your family. Dear Heavenly Father, wrap your arms around this family. Allow them to feel You in everything they do. Make your presence known to big sister, Abigail. Let her know Your love. Oh God, sweetly wrap Shilo in your arms until her momma can. Protect this sweet family during this horrible time. My Father, you are the Great Healer. Please show this to the family in small ways each and everyday. Amen

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  10. As the commenter above said, "I know Shilo will always love you for your vigil and you are loving her just as much in that bed as if you were snuggling her close. It's a different kind of love maybe, but it definitely isn't absent." I couldn't put it better myself. I hope nothing but good comes your way.

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  11. Continuing to keep your family in my thoughts and prayers!

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  12. So much love and prayers your way xxx

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  13. Continue to give Shilo your love in the ways you can. You are blessed to have each other even though times are unbelievably hard. My positive energy and prayers are sent to you.

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  14. prayers.hoping that life gets better

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  15. Hold on. You will soon be able to hold your little girl and she will be OK and you will be very happy. I pray for you all every day. Ask God to give you strength and remember He is always by your side.
    Sending lots of love from México

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  16. Sending lots of love and joy your way!!! xo

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  17. I can tell by how carefully and thoughtfully you describe your situation and your feelings that you have the dedication, resilience, and love to hang in there! Keep recording all of your feelings, the good and the bad, and trust those you love to support you! You are so strong!

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