home.

jason and i had been debating on trading places this weekend.  it was a hard thought because it meant that we wouldn't get any time together. i also was having a very hard time with the idea of leaving shilo, even in jason's extremely capable hands.
but after today, i think that going home for twenty four hours might be the best thing for me.  the morning started off with the hiccup of not being extubated, and ended with the highest co2 numbers i have seen, meaning that we won't be extubating tomorrow either.
i've made peace with the idea of doing surgery before we go home, i really just want to know at this point.  if we are here through surgery, then i'd like to get that in my head and figure things out.  if not, then let's figure that out.  but i have no answers.
and by tonight, i felt tired, bitter, and annoyed with everyone else in the world.  i worked hard to find the good things of the day, eating with my friend, seeing abigail, and even shilo smiling as she was drifting off to sleep, holding my hand.  but i still just feel done.
and so home might be a good place for a day.  playing with abigail, going to church, and seeing all my friends. (not that they haven't been making trips down here to see me). i'm looking forward to sleeping in my own bed for a night, as well as taking a long hot bath as well.