we are officially here through open heart surgery. we don't (and won't) have a date. shilo has five more days of antibiotic. after that is finished, whenever everything is ideal, they will do surgery. so it's likely we will find out same day or only have a one day notice. this is hard, but we also know it's best for shilo to have surgery when everything is at it's best. and we want the best outcome possible so we are willing to roll with it.
i'm pretty emotional this weekend. some of it is from being tired. some of it is from five weeks of stressful circumstances. and some of it is just from it being a weekend with my husband and daughter. it always feels so bittersweet. as saturday night creeps up i wonder if i stay up if maybe i can keep sunday from coming. and then we can just always be together.
jason and i sat on the couch in a common area this evening while we were waiting on dinner at the rmh. abigail dance joyfully to 'hosanna' closing her eyes, spinning, and raising her arms. all i could think was 'God, i miss that girl.' she is always so full of joy. i know she doesn't understand everything. but she is so matter of fact with it all. 'the doctor's are going to fix the boo boo on shilo's heart, and then they will take all the tubes out, and she can come home.' it's simple in her sweet little head.
i find myself wishing for her simplicity and faith. i wish i didn't know about co2 levels, acidosis, and picc lines. i wish i could just easily accept that this is what needs to happen for shilo to get better and be done.
but i find myself back at 'why.' i remember asking this over and over after abigail was diagnosed with nf. and i remember truly finding peace and settling into the idea of 'because we live in a fallen world.' my why now isn't quite the same. it's different since we already knew about things with shilo. it's more of a why do i have to (re)learn the same things? it seems like waiting on our first child for three years, and then her diagnoses, and adopting a second time, would all be chalked full of all the life lessons one could possibly need.
but alas, i return to my ways when things are comfortable. i forget who hung the moon, and that it most definitely wasn't me. i forget what it really means to love people. and most importantly i forget what it means to trust my Papa. because He is good. He is worthy. and He is way better at holding my life in His hands, than i am at controlling things myself.
so tonight, as abigail asked to sing psalm 122 to shilo, prayed, kissed her sister, and signed i love you to her, i had a moment. once again, this time period in our life is definitely hard. but God hand picked my two little girls to be our daughters. He moved things in heaven and on earth so that they would come to be part of our family. He knew that abigail would be the perfect big sister for shilo, as shilo would be the perfect little sister for abigail. He knew that we were the best parents for these two girls (even on days when we fall way short). and He knew we would spend this time period living separately, hurting, and figuring out (once again) who was holding us.
thankful to be in His hands,