the truth.

so the thing about being where we are right now is that it's hard to describe the emotions of it.  yes it sucks that shilo is sick, and we can't hold her, and there is no end in sight.  it feels overwhelmingly depressing that the sights and sounds of a hospital are familiar to the point of comfort.  i don't react to the beeping alarms.  i can drown out the crying children in other rooms.  none of this seems that big to me at the moment.
the part that hurts is that i miss.  i miss my husband.  right now we would put our girlies to bed and then go sit on the steps together outside the door, listening to the white noise of the monitors, and talking about our days, and days to come. 
i miss our big girl and getting to do the day in and day out things that seem insignificant most of the time.  i miss candy land, and re-reading the same book over and over.  i miss playing outside, and making french toast together.  i miss her laugh.
i miss our family time.  our nightly walks through our neighborhood, saying hello to our friends as we walk the same loop that we have for seven years now.  i miss reading together at bedtime with the girls, and fighting over who is going to hold shilo when she wakes up.  i miss watching abigail lovingly force/teach shilo to sing baby shark, and seeing shilo smile about it despite the roughness of the interaction.  i miss watching abigail trying to teach shilo new signs.
and all these things are really hard.  but the thing that breaks my heart right now is how much i miss shilo.  i miss her cry.  i look at pictures of abigail at the same age and realize more and more that we are missing out on this whole big chunk of shilo's life right now.  she is growing as she lies in her bed, and i won't know what she felt like at nine pounds, because i never got to hold her when she was nine pounds.  i rarely see her eyes, and her smile is gone for the moment.
most of the things i miss while i'm here are memories that i will get to return to when we get out of this place.  but the part of shilo's life we are missing isn't able to be picked up where it's left off.  we don't just get to resume things and resettle like we will with lots of other things.  and it breaks my heart knowing that everyday, as i sit in a room with my baby, that i am missing part of her life.