I have prayed numerous times that God would bring me whatever it takes for me to fall at His feet and worship Him. True to that prayer He has done this over and over. I feel like the running theme in my life is learning how to hope. No matter what. The verse that I held onto while waiting on our baby girl was "Hope deferred makes the heartsick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12.
It is so very true. When you are hoping for something and it is put off for a time, or does not turn out how you expect there is often a pain in the heart of sorrow and longing for things to go differently.
Abigail is our tree of life. Our fulfilled longing. After we got her I felt like I really knew what it meant to hope in the Lord. I had her middle name (Tohelet) tattooed on my foot to remind me to walk in hope. Even if our baby has a genetic disorder, asthma, and numerous other "small" things going on...I need to hope.
As I have wrestled through my exasperation, lack of trust, and worry over everything with Abigail I have fluctuated between walking out my prayer of whatever it takes, and trying to do things on my own.
All these thoughts lead up to my day today. We had a pulmanologist appointment at Riley. We see this doctor every three or four months to follow her asthma. I knew today would be pretty routine. We were hopeful that they would decrease her inhaled steroid despite the fact that she had a few rough patches over the winter.
Well I didn't get what I hoped for. They increased her nebulizer to twice a day. It's not that big of a deal. She doesn't fight, cry, or scream when we do treatments. They only take about five minutes total. Nothing really. But since I was hoping for something else I felt that sucker punch feeling.
On top of it he asked me about her asthma attacks. She had two fairly prominent attacks after eating peanut butter on two separate occasions. We had decided to not give her anything with peanuts (no brainer) and try again around two...the age lots of children outgrow food allergies. However after hearing this he said that even though what I described isn't your typical nut allergy reaction, he thought we should see an allergist. Just in case.
So we came home with a doubled prescription for pulmicort, as well as one for an epi pen in case she has a reaction again before we find out for sure if she is allergic or not.
My head knows that none of these things are a big deal. However I am disappointed. This is supposed to be my easy appointment. It was supposed to be in and out with the added fun of seeing the stuffed animals in the atrium and having "bock bock" with french fries. We did those things. It's just that the rest of the day was one of those times where I felt heartsick because my hope was deferred.
On the way home the song East to West by Casting Crowns came on. It is about the battle between our flesh feeling like we will never be good enough and God will just leave us how we are, and how God tells us how He cast our sins as far as the East is from the West. It was how I had felt the whole way home. Why do I still have such a hard time being okay and trusting God. Why do I continue to worry. As I was singing along I raised my hands to worship. I looked back in the rear view mirror to see my nineteen month old with her hand held up to the heavens. What a beautiful reminder. Because although I am still sitting here crying a little over the disappointment of the day, my baby saw me worshipping in the midst of it, and chose to do the same thing I was. I am glad that when I don't feel like I can hold on anymore, He is still holding onto me.
The little girl who is helping me to learn to walk in hope.