Our sweet lovely little bug.
One stupid little freckle. That's all it is. Oh and a few more spots on her belly. Yeap, Abigail has what I'm pretty sure is her first armpit freckle. She has a few in her groin area, and I have watched her armpits, but tonight I saw what I think is the first one. It's not a huge deal. She gets new cafe au lait spots quite often. And the freckles don't do anything or mean anything we don't already know. But something about that stupid freckle still makes me feel a little sad.
Some of it is probably because I know that "most children with NF" don't get the freckling until they are older. The reason I quoted that is because as I have reiterated over and over, there really is no pattern, predictability, or rules that go along with NF. There is just a "most cases" which from what I can tell is a pretty ambiguous idea.
Perhaps the other reason it caught me off guard a little is because it reminded me of the upcoming neurologist appointment. I don't know if it's because Abigail is older and mobile so I have less time (and energy), or if I'm learning to walk through this with the peace of God, but I haven't really been worried about this appointment. I haven't forgotten about it. I also haven't sat and cried, lost sleep, or felt sick over the day ahead.
I would like to believe it's that I'm learning to trust God with this. This morning I was thinking about how when we prayed for a child we prayed for whatever would bring glory to God. We didn't want it to be a nice pretty outline of what we wanted our child to be. We wanted it to be something that pointed at God and how wonderful He is. And it definitely did.
As I was thinking about it though, I kept thinking that I want the same thing now. I want God to get glory from our lives. I want to feel and know the peace of God so that when people look at me and ask how I'm doing I can say "I'm fine, only because of Him." I want what He wants for us. I think that God doesn't waist suffering, pain, and the like. I think He will use our daughter's medical stuff to show people who He is. I don't think it has to be through healing. I think doctors, nurses, and so many other people are changed everyday as a result of seeing a family walking through something hard, and watching them remain faithful to God.
I still worry sometimes. I still have lots of unanswered question. However the peace I feel as we get ready to do this appointment is greater than me. It can only be described as a peace that surpasses all of my understanding. It is a peace that is guarding my heart and mind as we get ready to do something that still seems daunting to me.