Wednesday, July 31, 2013

things that are hard.

my writing on here has slowed down greatly.  it takes every last ounce of emotional energy to get through my days quite often right now.  i rarely want to talk about the really hard things of my life.  i'm afraid.  i'm afraid someone will read it and take away things i didn't say, and didn't mean. i'm afraid that someone will come here and decide that parenting children with special needs really is as hard as they thought it might be.
i'm reminded though, that sometimes, truth needs to be told.  hard needs to be shared.  and people will relate more than i could imagine.  so here goes.
first of all, i imagine that when i said things have been draining, you thought it might have to do with this pretty face.

and if you did, you are wrong.  while little comes with her own set of things that might seem like extra work, it is just the norm for us at this point.  plus, she is making huge strides forward developmentally, signing, and overall, is just a pretty easy going girl.

this girly, the one drawing with chalk, she's the one that sends me heart racing.  i lose sleep.  i shed tears.  i feel like perhaps i don't parent that well.  things have been tough.  i've been hesitant to talk about it, because it makes me feel like i'm failing.  the times i've tried to share, it gets written off.  'oh all kids go through a stage like that.'  or 'she's just testing the boundaries.'
but it's bigger than that.  jason and i have talked it to pieces.  and then, we decided we had to have help.  i can't spend hours every day just trying to keep her from falling apart, or eating something she shouldn't.  no, something bigger has to happen.
and so we await more appointments.  and we pray for answers.  and i fear the answers that may come.  but in the end, i need help.  and she needs help.  and our family will function much better if we know.
so please pray.  i am broken.  some days i see small glimpses of a little girl i used to know.  other days i wonder where she is, and if she will ever return.  i fear that NF has taken part of her.


  1. My NF kid suffers from a lot of anxiety issues. She also had pica when she was little. I was forever trying to stop her from eating pebbles. I am not trying to diagnose your kiddo, just that it is possible that you are dealing with some issues that she acquired genetically and it is not your parenting at all. I pray that you are able to get some answers and help with your girl. You are not alone in your struggles.

  2. Hang in there. 5 yr olds can be awful even without contributing factors. They remind me of the robot on the Incredibles. They learn. They adapt. Parenting techniques that worked before they are now impervious to their effects. Add then contributing factors like behavioral/neurological issues to the mix... yeah. I bet you are having some bad some days. =/ The fact are you concerned and trying to get to the bottom of it, and trying new approaches and perspectives shows you are a great mom. Moms who fail are the ones who throw up their arms, ignore it, and don't fight for their kids. And that is certainly is not you. ((HUGS))