to be honest, most day, i'm just making it. that's all. i have hit that wall hard, of winter blues. and that, accompanied with being stuck at home (aside from doctors appointments, grocery shopping alone, and the occasional girls night) has made me feel like all i need to do for the next month is. get. through.
my big is a very high energy girl. shut her in somewhere for nearly six months, and it will appear that polly pocket has been vomited everywhere in your home. the days will also be filled with multiple breakdowns over just about every event of the day. i begin watching the minutes until nap time, and praying for the grace to be a patient mama because i know she is just as done with all of this as i am.
my little seems not to care about ever having to leave the house again. she's perfectly content in our little world and routine. however, please, whatever you do, make certain that mama is always in sight. papa's okay. he can hang out for a minute, but what i really want is my mama. and what mama really wants most days when papa arrives home, is to hand off both children and hide for five minutes.
there are moments of redemption. i'm making lunch, and ask big to play with her sister in her room (because she just woke up from her morning nap, and i only have to finish cutting up this fruit) and i come up to find them both laying in her bed. big says, 'arghhhhh matey,' and tells me that they were pretending little's bed was a pirate ship. and my heart swells with pride at the fact that my big plays with her sister, and is less than aware of anything that might be considered a delay.
my little is making progress on sitting alone. she has even showed both of her therapist now how she can do it for a few minutes at a time. and being home all the time, instead of on the go, means i spend tons of time on the floor with her, practicing sitting.
this is not an easy season in our lives right now though. and i'm never quite sure how to be honest about that. i love my daughters, and that i get to stay home. i'm so thankful that we haven't had any major illnesses this year, and that we are all together instead of living apart. but days feel all the same. i do the same things over and over again. and my children require a lot of attention still. maybe this is just the ply of being the parent of two young children. maybe some of the special needs stuff factors in.
when i get out of the house, and go to story time, and play dates, and grocery shopping, all those things help me feel like our lives our pretty normal. i don't know if they are or not, but those are all things it seems that everyone does. but when i'm stuck at home, i feel isolated, and even more alone in the parts that are hard. i remember growing up, hearing people talk about the 'shut-ins' and praying for them in church. i never really understood.
i get it now. i get how hard it is to be a 'shut-in.' to feel all alone, and unable to participate in the things that you really love, like being part of a body of believers, spending time with friends (and my children having peer interaction), and even getting to experience everyday life with your children-like grocery shopping. i get how not ever leaving the house as a complete family-only one adult out at a time-can start to feel very hard.
i know there is an end in sight, a day when we will get to return to our activities, and enjoy life again. the time period will be a faint memory, and the winter blues will turn to a celebration of new life in the spring.