february.

i stand in the kitchen watching the large snowflakes fall from the sky, and i think of the line from a nichole nordeman song, 'wrapped in blankets white, all creation, shivers underneath.'  i can hear my big giggling in the other room, and my little loudly proclaiming, 'dadadadada!'   and, even those happy noises make me feel guilty.  i don't even try to stop the tears.  they are around for a little while.

when i woke up i could feel the lies creeping in immediately.  the grew bigger and bigger, threatening to swallow me.  and i know over the next couple of weeks that i'm going to be fighting hard with myself to let go of all that i want to hold onto tightly, believing that if i just hold on tight enough, it really will change the past.  i can somehow go back and undo that one decision that left us living separately for months, and nearly took my little's life.
i text jason and ask him to pray for me.  and, as always he reminds me of all that is good about me.  but, the good doesn't erase that one moment in time.

and i know as that 'one year ago today' draws closer that the memories will keep flooding me.  and they will do their best to remind me of where i have failed as a parent.  i'm not sure how to undo those thoughts, and i most certainly can't undo the past.  i will, however, remind those thoughts that they are not welcome to take away my here and now because that's all i am able to do, is the here and now. and so we live.  we love.  and, we take lots of pictures, just in case our here and now ever becomes an ugly hospital room again. or something worse.