I believed when I was younger that part of being an adult was being confident. I thought I would no longer struggle with who I am. But I find myself growing close to my 28th birthday, and still not knowing a whole lot more than I did back then. I even remember having a conversation with a woman in her 50's who admitted the same struggle. It was almost heart breaking to me to know that it would probably be something that I would always wrestle with. Who am I?
So the last few weeks at church all these new opportunities have opened up. I have listened to each one and prayed. God is this what you have for me? Is this something you want me to do? And I have heard a resounding nothing. No yes, you should do this, or no, this is for someone else. So I have continued to pray hoping that my big opportunity doesn't pass me by while I'm waiting on an answer.
Then last Sunday as I continued to face the direction of uncertainty, God showed me Himself picking me up and completely turning me around and spoke to my heart "I have called you to be a mama." Okay I already knew this. So I start telling Him all of the people I know who are mama's and do other things at which point He says to me, "I don't care about them, I have called you to be a mama."
It was freeing. I'm not certain that the struggle of who I am is over. But it was so great to hear that I am on track. I don't need to be running around volunteering for everything and filling up my time. I can spend my time at home reading stories, getting tackled, and braiding hair without the guilt that I'm not doing enough.
And then my God who always does things abundantly made sure I got the point. Lots of my friends do really cool things like community gardens, and teaching a group of at risk kiddos, and leading youth group. The list goes on. I think they are amazing. And lots of them have ended up in the paper for what they are doing. There rolls are more in the spotlight and get attention from people who see what they are filling their time with. Being a mama doesn't get that. I am fine with that. I don't really love being the center of attention anyway.
So on Wednesday I was outside enjoying the wonderful spring weather with my daughter. I was pushing her on a little ride on toy, and giggling with her when a man walked up and said, "excuse me." I looked up to see a man with a camera. He told me he was from the paper and saw us outside and wanted to know if he could take our picture. So I continued to play and he took a picture of us. I was in the paper for doing something that doesn't seem "great" to me, or most people. But it's what God has called me too. Hopefully the next time I feel restless I can pull out this picture and be reminded that I am right where God has called me to be; at home with a wonderful little girl.
Enjoying my newest epiphany,