Friday, January 22, 2010

Letting go

It's been a weak of no doctor appointments! That's right. Abigail and I have gone to story hour, spent time with some friends and their kiddos, and played at home. So for the first time in 19 weeks straight we have not been to the doctor. And I feel like something inside of me is sort of unwinding.
During the last five months of appointments Abigail has been diagnosed with asthma, had numerous ear infections, a urinary tract infection, had an MRI to rule out tumors and hydrocephalus, a blood test to rule out leukemia, had an ear drum rupture, and x-rays of her lungs a couple of times as well as her pelvis last week. It's been a lot. And although I have cried a bit here and there about all of it I realized this week I haven't actually dealt with any of it fully. I have just wound that place inside of me tighter until I can have some time to work through all of it.
I have spent hours researching the possibilities. I know all sort of medical information that goes with all of it. I managed somehow to disconnect it from Abigail though. It was medical information about this or that, not that could pertain to Abigail. I never intentionally thought that, but that's how I dealt with it.
So last night I let it go some. I layed on the couch and cried to Jason for a while. I cried about the fact that our sixteen month old was checked for a brain tumor and leukemia. That's a big deal. I cried about the fact that she has been through so many medical procedures. I cried about the fact that NF will most likely affect her self-esteem. I just spent some time crying.
I also admitted that although I am not angry or bitter at God I feel disappointed. I truly don't understand why some people seem to breeze through life with minor bumps and bruises and some people seem to get smacked in face. I feel smacked in the face right now. I am exhausted physically and emotionally. I feel lonely in this. I am fearful and worried. I have withdrawn from spending much time with anyone. I have quit almost everything outside of caring for my family.
However if I'm honest I have also not been reading very often. I pray with Abigail and Jason, and for other people who ask me to pray, but not for myself. I know that God is graceful to mother's with small children. He understands the chaos and heartache that has surrounded my life over the past five months. However I also know that I have often chosen to ignore the tugging to come sit and rest in Him. I have wanted to work through things by myself. I am independent. I hadn't even told Jason how hard these past months have truly been on me.
So this afternoon I picked up my Bible and started where I had left off. Hosea. A book about a prostitute and her husband as well as Israel and the Lord. I immediately felt that stirring in me. That reminder. I too have prostituted myself. Not literally with another man. But I have spent the last few months worshipping the fear, worry, and pain that has come my way. I have bowed down and let them be my god while I left my Savior standing and waiting for me to come back so he could hold me and let me have a good cry. It's a hard thing for me to let go of all that has come with Abigail's medical craziness.
However I often can put God into the category of parent. So it made me think of when Abigail was learning to walk. She could push a toy around, pick it up and move it, but would not let go and just walk. I knew she could do it. She actually was doing it without knowing. However she was too afraid. And although she trust Jason and I she didn't trust us enough to let go and walk to us. This too is what I have done. I have held on to my fear and pain. I have decided that the comfort of the known is better than letting go and walking. Because I could fall. I may not make it all the way to my Father standing with his outstretched arms. And then I would have to try again and again. And that's harder than just staying here with the familiar.
But none the less, I am going to try. I am going to stop pushing this toy full of horrible things around and trust that God knows Abigail. He knew her from the moment He knit her together in her mother's womb. He knew her from the moment He knit her together in my heart. And He knew that she would have lots of medical needs. He knew that Jason and I were the perfect parents for her. He knew that we could handle all of it because we are His, and His perfect love cast out all fear.

Letting go, again and again,

1 comment:

  1. I am praying for your little girl and learning so much from all your posts. Thank you. We have our first NF appointment in March and have just begun our journey with NF. God bless you and especially your little Abigail.

    Adrienne (NF Forum)