Monday, December 21, 2009

The things we say...

"I just know that someday you are going to get pregnant." "I'm waiting on your announcement because I know it's coming." "As soon as you adopt you are going to get pregnant." "If you would just stop trying you would get pregnant."
That's right I've heard them all. My guess if you have ever struggled with infertility you have as well. I also imagine that most people who have not struggled have said these things. It's okay if you are guilty. I am not going to call you out individually or anything. I am just going to pass on some information to help you know what to say to your next friend who confides in you that they don't seem to be getting pregnant.
Each time I hear one of these little things I cringe. I often know the person is trying to make me feel better. Even people who say things like..."it took us five years to get pregnant"... Part of the reason that I personally cringe is because people assume that we are devastated we didn't get pregnant and "had" to adopt. We aren't. I 100% guarantee that we are in no way upset about our lack of biological children. We are excited to dream about how our next ADOPTION will go. What will our next kiddo look like? Where will they be from? What will our next adoption look like? You know the questions people wonder when trying to get pregnant, just slightly different.
So to follow that up I will tell you that while we were waiting these comments made me want to rip out my hair. It often took everything in me to not argue with the person. You see, just because your friends tried for ten years and now have a beautiful little boy does not mean I should try for ten years. I could counter with something like well I have friends who have tried for 16 and still have no biological children. But I don't.
My response to that is two things. I don't want to wait until I'm almost 40 to have my first child. We wanted to start adding to our family four years ago. I also am fine with having adopted children and then getting pregnant ten years from now. I won't sigh and think "if only I had waited instead of taking care of these other children." My hearts desire was to be a momma, not to get pregnant.
I also don't believe adopted children are second best. People say things like "we want to adopt but we want children of our own first." Really? Maybe it seems like semantics, but when talking to an adoptive parent don't refer to biological children as "children of our own." Unless you have gone through the adoption process, the waiting, the heartache of not being chosen by a birth parent, the crying yourself to sleep...and on and on...then you have no idea how hard it is (the very same way I have no idea how hard labor is). So don't discount my child to being less than my own. She is my own in every sense of the word. She may not have the same genetic make up, but Jason and I had a child of our own first.

This posting is probably brought about by the number of people who try to "fix" us not getting pregnant. It's pretty amazing to me when people take this on. I don't mind when people ask if we can get pregnant, or ask if we have ever been tested for things. Some people do mind those questions, so don't ask someone unless you know then well. However, if Jason and I were really worried or upset we would have gone through more procedures to figure out what was going on. As it stands, neither of us have ever been tested for anything related to pregnancy. We just haven't gotten pregnant; therefore we decided to adopt. That's our whole story.
Jason and I haven't been "trying" to get pregnant (nor are we preventing it) for almost three and a half years. We tried for about a year before that. So it seems the "just stop trying" did not work. Also now that we have a 16 month old adopted girly and that didn't seem to have any sort of affect on our status of not getting pregnant that "once you adopt you will get pregnant" also doesn't apply.
So please if you have friends who are struggling ask what they need. Do they need encouraging stories about other people who have gotten pregnant? Do they need you to just pray for them? Most people I know who are struggling with infertility are talking to other people who are struggling or who did struggle and now have children. They are finding the support they need from people who know exactly what it feels like.

As a final little note I wanted to let you know that our belief from reading the Bible is that God sometimes closes wombs. We believe with every ounce of our being that when God knit Abigail together in her tummy mommy He had us in mind to be her parents. He knew that had we gotten pregnant we would not yet have been on the journey of adopting. So because He loves us so much and wanted us to have the exact baby He chose for us He closed our womb. I do not know if it is temporary or permanent. I do not worry about it either way. Our daughter is amazing, and I know that whatever He has in mind for #2 will be just as awesome.

Enjoying a child of our own,


  1. Mind if I add a couple of thoughts?

    Another thing people say when you can't get pregnant is "Well, you could just adopt." But anyone who has adopted or pursued adoption knows there's no "just" about it. It's a hard, lengthy, usually expensive process. There are rare instances where it falls into your lap... but those are very rare.

    Additionally, some people assume that adoption is the natural course of life if you can't get pregnant, but there are some people for whom, for whatever reason, adoption isn't an option. Maybe the cost is prohibitive, or maybe it's something totally different and personal. Regrettably and much to my sorrow, adoption is a closed door for us. The days I'm hurting, it hurts as much that we can't adopt as it does that we can't get pregnant.

    And then... there are people who have learned to be content -- even happy! -- as a Family of Two. And when others try to "fix" their infertility, it can make them feel that the others think that life without children isn't good enough. And sometimes it is. Sometimes it's exactly what a couple has been called to.

  2. Jason told me everyone would be afraid to post comments after what I wrote and I said nope...I bet their are people who are reading it who are thinking the same thing and who will add things I have not yet experienced or have thanks!

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  4. Your daughter looks just like you!
    Are you her...grandparents?

    You forgot those. The last one is still my favorite.

    (Now you can tell Jason I wasn't afraid to post something.)