So I didn't update you all this week. Mainly because we still have no answered questions, and instead have more upcoming appointments (this seems to always be the case). We don't even have MRI results yet. We would have, but when the doctor's office was calling with results we were sitting at our family doctor with a little girl who's temperature spiked to 106 during nap time, and has done so again between medicine doses. We are being told bronchitis. And praying that tomorrow morning, when she wakes up, the antibiotic will have been in her long enough to have more effect on it. I do have to add though, that at 106 she was smiling, laughing, and asking to eat. Instead of updating you all over the last two days I have been sitting on the couch taking in Blue's Clues, Wonder Pets, and Leap Frog videos. But this isn't the main point of what I wanted to say.
Three years ago at this time I was praying that God would bring our daughter now. I was tired of waiting (for almost three years) and ready to see something happen. I had spent my time waiting, crying, praying, and at times feeling sorry for myself. I had lamented over other people who didn't 'deserve' children having them. I had told God how unfair it all was. I had put on my gloves and gone toe to toe with the Creator about all of the things I thought should be happening in MY time.
I didn't win that match. I wouldn't say I lost it though either. I would mostly say I walked out knowing more of my Savior. And like the wrestling match that took place in the Bible, I came out with a new name. 'Mama.' What a beautiful name Christ has given me.
I would love to tell you that after walking through the pain of all of that, and holding the miracle of the child God brought us in my arms, I haven't wrestled with God since then. But I would be lying. I sort of doubt at this point that Israel never wrestled with things again. I mean the man's name means 'wrestles with God.' But I can't say for sure.
Anyway as I have continued to walk through these past few years wrestling with new things as they come up, I feel like I have become more grounded in my faith. When people say things like 'it must seem unfair' I can honestly reply with no. Fairness isn't something I struggle with. Or 'You must question what God is doing.' Nope. I know God is doing something in this whole situation. But I don't question the what or why of it.
Jason and I were sitting on the couch one night this week after all of her appointments. I was sharing how overwhelmed I was feeling and used a few choice words through my tears. Jason immediately asked if I was struggling with faith issues. I was sort of taken back. I thought for a few seconds and responded with these following feelings (that I think line up perfectly with Easter).
Before I had a child with special needs, I never understood true suffering. I have lost people. I have physical pain and ailments. But, I have never experienced anything that has brought such clarity to the idea of wiping away every tear. I have never gotten excited over the idea of being made new, and Christ returning for His bride. But now I get it in a whole new way.
I serve a God who not only died for all sin, He conquered death and rose again. He conquered NF, mastocytosis, hemihypertrophy, hypotonia, macrocephaly, GERD, asthma, and even bronchitis. He conquered disorders, genetic mutations, and diseases. Some day the little girl who is lying in her bed sleeping right now will be made whole. Her little body will not be programmed to grow tumors. Her little belly will keep the stomach acid where it should be. Her little lungs will work the way that they were designed to work. I could go on and on.
Because Christ rose from the dead, and is returning some day, all things will be made new. Because I serve a living God, I can walk through the painful parts of life knowing that all will end well someday.
'Oh death, where is your sting?
Oh hell, where is your victory?
Oh church, come stand in the light.
Our God is not dead, He's alive, He's alive!'
Excited that the tomb is empty,