I am completely overwhelmed. I have answered numerous e-mails and phone calls where people have suggested a different path, or wanted an explanation of why we are choosing this surgery and this surgeon. I have gotten e-mail from other parents who have kids with plexis telling me why I shouldn't have the tumor removed, and ones who have let me know I am jumping the gun. And I have put us out there. So I don't expect for these things to stop.
It's just that people don't seem to understand that Jason and I have already wrestled through should we do this or not. I don't know if I can tell you the number of times, in the past week, since we scheduled the surgery, that I have cried and asked Jason if we are doing the right thing.
This is not a decision we made lightly. On top of preparing myself for my two year old having surgery, I also am having to spend time figuring out how to fund raise. I loved the fundraiser we did last year. It went really well, and it was fun. But the one we are starting to plan now is for a need. We don't just raise whatever amount and have that be fine. We need a certain amount by a specific time in order for Abigail to have surgery.
But just to help you understand why I am also overwhelmed, the surgery and fundraising stuff is on top of all of our already appointments, therapies, Jason working overtime (and a lot of it) and everyday life.
I have spent the last few days crying off and on, frustrated, angry, and just really longing for some sort of brake. I have been to the woe is me place over and over again. I've been annoyed that our 'vacation' this summer, that likely would have been spent at a state park hiking and camping, will instead be spent in Chicago with Abigail having surgery (and us trying to squeeze in fun stuff). I have (in my head) shouted about having to drive to Indy so often, weeks being constantly full, and a million other things.
And then last night I had this moment where I could feel the joy shining through. I have nothing to do today. Abigail has no appointments or therapies. I have no errands that I HAVE to run. I can choose to spend the whole morning playing with Abigail. And so I did.
It's been a great Friday. I was awaken by my daughter's sweet voice singing, 'hayeyuyah' from her bed. After breakfast I let her watch a television show while I showered, we went out and got a special snack. We came home and danced, played a game, read books, ate lunch, and even got to go on our first walk of the year (hooray for warmer weather). It was truly blissful. And it quickly renewed my spirit, reminding me of how being joyful is so often a choice.
I won't pretend like there aren't still a million things swirling around in my head threatening to drag me down again. I will choose to find joy in the things each day, and try to be honest with the people around me when I am feeling overwhelmed.
(Abigail reading some Frog and Toad, her Papa's favorite stories from when he was a kid).
Enjoying my Friday,