Okay this one is another semi-mushy mom blog...so you have been warned and should not read it if you don't like them.
I have never once felt the guilt of "worthless" feeling that a lot of stay at home moms struggle with. I did not give up a career I love, social status, or lots of money to stay at home. We did have to scale back in some areas with money, but nothing that wasn't more than worth it to both Jason and I. I also have a husband who truly values the choice we made. He tells me so often how thankful he is that I stay home with our baby, and take care of the house (mostly). So between those two areas I haven't ever once looked back and wondered how our lives would be different.
I don't really respond to people who tell me I have it so easy, or that think that working outside the home and having children makes them more super-human than me. Both things are hard, and each has it's good points. However the idea that I sit at home and watch television, read gossip magazines, and talk on the phone all day is not true.
My job is the most emotionally demanding job I have ever had. I have one person who I am attempting to grow into an independent, functioning adult. This task is not easy. I spend my day repeating the same things over and over and over and over....and over. I talk in toddler talk all day long "Do you see the doggy? What does a doggy say. Be gentle, good job, pet gentle." Sometimes when Jason comes home he has to say to me "I'm not a child so please don't talk to me like that." I'm not trying to patronize him, it just always comes out that way.
Today though (as happens most days) I feel like my heart could explode. Watching this small being crawl after me and giggle, play peek, and lay her head on my shoulder to hug me makes me feel so full I could burst. In the back of my mind is this voice reminding me "She won't stay like this forever. Capture every moment, and hold onto it." It makes me sad, but at the same time spurs me on to be on the floor more, read the same book ten times before I say all done, and to have a giggle time with her everyday.
I feel so incredibly blessed to have this little girl who adores me. I struggle (as well as most parents I know) with feeling like I am messing up so much. However her grace has to be close to that of the Lords because she always forgives and seems to not remember that I just did something stupid. I like this quality in her, and hope that it will rub off on me :)
It's so amazing to me how much she has changed me. I love Jason more than I could ever put into words. I don't love Abigail more, but differently. My love for her has made me feel things more deeply. This was the realization that came to me because I kept crying about nf stuff. I have never been someone who is prone to large emotional outburst, but some days I just start crying and have to spend a few minutes sitting there until I am under control again. I cry at commercials and television shows. I cry after we put her to bed because I can't do anything to help her with what lies ahead. All because having a daughter opened up this well of emotion in me that I never knew was there. I like it too. I am glad that I have found this part of me that is passionate about my family. It makes me a better wife and mother.
I am truly thankful for each day that the Lord has made, and given me to spend with Jason and Abigail. I am also thankful for each day the Lord has given me to do laundry, dishes, clean, vacuum, and dust. Life is full and wonderful because I stay at home.
Seizing the day,
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