having a pity party.

today was abigail's four year well check.  i didn't have a whole lot of 'what if's' going into it.  i knew we would likely talk about the rash on her chin, and that her (lack of adequate) growth would likely come up.  i was right.   her chin-she licks/chews on her bottom lip.  little dab of this and that, and it should clear back up.  great.
her growth.  well, as always, she eats well, sleeps well, and so on and so forth.  why, oh why, does she not grow well then?  throw in that i mentioned her (extreme) energy level that seems to have grown exponentially over the last year, and her belly ache complaints that aren't uncommon and we got a gluten free trial.
now i'll be completely honest, i have considered it before due to some of her symptoms.  a passing, 'i wonder if it's a food allergy/intolerance.  dyes can have that affect as can gluten.'  but, for whatever reason, i sort of assumed that was just me being the somewhat over thinking mother i am.
so gluten free in the grand scheme of life is nothing more than a little bump in the road.  but our road has jarred me a lot over the last year, and this seemed to be the thing that threw me a little more than i thought it would.  i was fine at the doctor.  i was somewhat okay when we got home. i got sad when she asked for french toast for lunch (i needed to shop for gluten free items), and sadder when she asked for cake.  i lost it at dinnertime when she asked for cake again and began to fight back tears when we tried to explain why she couldn't have it.  and then i cried again after she was in bed while jason cut the rest of her birthday cake up and put on plates to give to the people she decided should get it.

i worked really hard to make abigail the birthday cake she wanted.  she LOVED it.  she was super excited, and everyday since then has talked about what she wants next year.  so maybe i'm being silly, or ridiculous.  maybe i'm just melodramatic, but this was the thing that bummed me out more than anything else.  i thought i would feel sort of deflated about having larry boy cut up after i worked so hard, turns out it's a much bigger bummer for my daughter to not get to enjoy him.

i know that there are much worse things than gluten allergies.  i know this isn't the end of the world.  i even know that , if it turns out she does have one, that i will roll with it just fine.  but i'm having a moment tonight.  and while i don't often let myself do this, i sat and thought through all of the things, for both of my children, and just felt sorry for us all.
i'll go to bed, wake up in the morning, and make a yummy, gluten free snack with abigail that has chocolate chips in it and other things she loves.  i'll thank God that we have the means to be able to go out (after grocery shopping yesterday) and buy some gluten free alternatives for her.  but tonight i will grieve that she doesn't get to eat larry boy, and the possible loss of donut dates with her papa (he's pretty bummed about this as well).  feel free to pour yourself a glass of something cold and come join my pity party.