I continue to go back and forth with whether or not I think it would be best for Abigail to have surgery on her leg to remove her tumor. Some days I think absolutely yes. I don't want her to deal with all of the things that could go along with her tumor growing.
Other days I look over and see a two year old and worry about all that surgery could change for her. The fact that the tumors grow on nerves means that having it removed could cause her irreparable nerve damage in her leg. She is in love with ballet. I don't want to take that away from her. I also worry that surgery could cause her to fear doctors and associate them with pain. And then we have a day where she wakes up in pain or really itchy and I switch back to not wanting her to have to deal with this.
I may never know what the best option is. I want an answer to drop from heaven. But instead, when I pray I don't really feel strongly one way or another. As a result I have pushed off sending her scans and pictures of her leg to the surgeon in Chicago. No decision has to be made if I don't do anything. But Sunday after nap Abigail was in pain. It gave us the boost we needed to move forward.
So Sunday we buckled down and burned things onto disc to get ready for the mail. Of course my subconscious was filled with thoughts of tumors during sleep. I dreamt that Abigail's tumor turned malignant. I don't remember anything else from the dream besides that. Monday I woke up, and things got mailed; even if I felt less than confident about my choice.
Today though, things struck me differently. I realized that I have almost become numb to bad things happening to kiddos around me. I read other people's post on the forum I'm on, and don't even flinch reading about all of the tumors, pain, and deformities they are experiencing. It is not because I don't care. It is only because it is so in my face everyday that all I can do is glaze over it when I read, to prevent myself from falling apart. I somehow find myself emerged in a world of words that I never thought would be associated with my child, and unsure how exactly I am supposed to react to it all.
For now we will simply wait to hear what a doctor thinks. I wonder, as he looks through pictures, if he will see a tumor or a little girl. I fear that he will say surgery only because there are dollar signs attached. But mostly I pray that God will speak clearly to him what is best for our sweet little bug. Because only the One who made her body knows what is actually best, and His answer is the only one I really want.
Praying for clarity,