Tuesday, November 30, 2010

and again why we pray.

Okay first of all if you haven't yet please read "Why we Pray." It proceeds this post and will help you follow the whole story a wee bit better. I'll wait here until you get back.
Welcome back. So the rest of the story goes something like this. We first found out about NF in May of '09. Abigail was mostly diagnosed (this is a little complicated to explain) in October of the same year. I'm not sure how long it lasted, but I spent many months...probably close to a year in a sort of fog. Every new spot, cry, and bump on her skin sent my head into a spin. I sat worrying about all of the worst things that could happen. I'm sure it didn't help that in that time period she was also diagnosed with asthma and tested for leukemia. None the less, I felt like someone had screwed up my whole world. And like the Israelites, even after seeing God touch my daughter's body, I still wavered crying out to God, "Where are you? Did you bring me into parenthood only to take the little girl you blessed me with in the first place?"
But somewhere in there I began to not just speak it, but really believe that God was still who He said He was. He was still good. He didn't give this to my daughter. It happened simply because of the sin that is in our world. When man fell in the garden, death, disease, pain, and suffering were introduced into being. Fast forward quite a bit and you can look around and see the effects of sin coming into the world. One of those effects is the disorder neurofibromatosis.
Somehow though, almost miraculously, over the last six months I have found peace. I have begun living again, and even with lots of crazy things still happening, new little things coming up, and three MRI's since June, I have been fine.
The honest truth is that it's still painful. Not knowing how much suffering my child will endure, but knowing that she will most likely experience pain is grueling. But over the last year and a half God has strengthened me. I feel like I can endure whatever comes because I know He is there.

"The Lord gives strength to his people: the Lord blesses his people with peace." Psalm 29:11

He also does all things at just the right time. If they had found any tumors in the beginning of our journey I would have possibly had a mental breakdown. That is not an exaggeration. But on Wednesday when we got the preliminary results of Abigail's MRI and found out that she has a tumor I felt strangely peaceful.
I have spent time grieving. It is sad to me that the pain she is experiencing in her leg (and most likely her back from compensating) is because of something being in her leg that shouldn't be. The incredible itching she has in her leg is also from it. But I have not for one moment questioned God. My faith has not wavered.
We still do not have a more precise statement from the doctor yet. But it is most likely that the tumor is congenital. It has always been there. It has been the reason for lots of little things going on with her.
I have sat over the past week of knowing and wondered if we hadn't prayed if she would have ever walked. I don't believe Abigail's healing rest on my shoulders, and hope that it doesn't depend upon my faith (or she is in trouble). I do believe that our God is good and wants to hear from us. He wants us to pray, ask, talk, and cry out. He doesn't always answer the way we had hoped. But He does always answer. And for that reason we will continue to pray.

*Just so you all know we have waited to share so we had time to process before going completely out there with all of it. We still do not have all of the information yet, and will not share things until we are ready.*

Please join us on our knees for our daughter,


  1. Lots of prayers for your little Abigail.

  2. Your family is in our prayers everyday.

    Peace, Adrienne