Thursday, November 19, 2009
This is all Jason did until we could finally hold Abigail. You can look and tell how much he loved her from the first moment.
The same thing happens to me every night when I get in bed. I am exhausted from the day. Yesterday I was more exhausted than usual because I spent the day cleaning out closets, and going through the areas of our home where loose papers, and small items that we don't know what to do with go. So back to bed. I am so tired and ready to lay down. My head hits the pillow, Jason starts snoring and my head begins running at cheetah speeds.
I think about the day, the next day, Abigail, Jason...I go through what meals I will make and what groceries we need. Did I start the dishwasher? What was that noise? I go through the list of things I said to other people that day that were stupid, and how they are probably laying in bed thinking about how stupid that thing was. I remember the time the dog ate my nutty bar when I was three. I think about my family.
I was doing all of these things last night. I get more and more annoyed with each thought that my brain won't shut it's mouth so I can sleep. So then I go through the stop thinking, stop thinking, stop thinking, that man at the stop sign today went before it was his turn. Did I turn on the dishwasher? I forgot to clean out the fridge so I could put those dishes in the dishwasher. Will we get the results of the ultrasound tomorrow? Will they be normal? I'm sure you are loving hearing about what I think, but I am getting to the point.
About ten minutes in last night I felt someone sitting on the bed with me. You know the way a parent does when they are reassuring a sick child, or after a nightmare. I couldn't literally feel someone, but they were there. And I hear that still small voice that I love so much to hear.
I felt Him bend down and kiss all over my face, and He just said "I love you." It wasn't profound in the way some of the things He has spoken have been. It was exactly what I needed to hear.
There's this large part of me that longs so much for a daddy who loves me. I guess my dad probably does, but he doesn't talk to me so I don't know. When I see Jason with Abigail it makes me heart feel full. It is healing to watch a daddy love their daughter so much. It helps me to remember the way God feels about me.
There are lots of days though where I don't feel beautiful or loved. I don't know what my identity is. I don't know if anyone really likes me, or if I make a difference in the world. Maybe lots of other people feel this way, or maybe it's just me. And sometimes when I see how much Jason loves Abigail, how she lights up and screams when he gets home from work, and how after she's in bed he recalls things she's done (even naughty things) and laughs affectionately at how great she is; I am sad that I never had that. I am grieved that my dad does not, nor has he ever, felt that way about me.
So when I got that feeling of Him kissing me all over the face over and over again, I can't begin to describe how much it made my heart leap. This is something I do with Abigail. I just love her so much that I want to keep kissing her over and over until she pushes me away. To know that the God who created the universe feels that way about me, like He just can't kiss me enough, well that's all I need to get through today.
I hope and pray someday that my dad and I will be reconciled. However God has shown me through Jason, and Himself, what a daddy is. There is nothing more beautiful that a father and his daughter together. I am overjoyed that Abigail has a papa who loves her this way. I am also overjoyed that I have a Papa who loves me this way.
Enjoying the love of my Papa,