showing up.

it had been a long day.  i was tired from parenting and battles.  tired of the mundane things i do over and over every day.  i just wanted to get out.  so when jason arrived home, i got on my bike and rode until i couldn't anymore.  i pulled over on the trail and sat by the river.
my mind went over the past couple years, as it does often.  it went over the joys.  it went over the hard.  and it arrived in the same spot it always does.  God, where are you?  i feel like we were obedient to what you called us to.  i don't need a pat on the back, or an award.  but, i feel like you handed us this really hard lot in life, and then ran the other direction.
more specifically, i feel like that day, the one where we entered the hospital and didn't leave for three months, that you stopped at the doors to the hospital and waved at me as i walked into the hardest and most difficult things in my life.
tears welled up in my eyes, as they often do.  i don't share this part of my journey with many.  only the select few closest to me.  i don't want people to read into this that i regret our daughter.  i don't.  i don't want people to read into this that shilo is somehow a burden.  she is not.  all this is, is a wrestling match between me and God.  and it always ends the same way.
'God, if you are listening, if you care, PLEASE show up.  i don't care how.  i don't care where.  i just need to know you are still walking this with me.  i believe.  please help my unbelief.'

i hopped back on my bike and rode home.  i felt a little better.  when i arrived i was greeted by hugs and happy faces from two little girls, and supper waiting on me from my husband.  i sat down to eat, and jason came in and handed me my kindle.  he had no idea what i had just prayed (or that i had been praying that same thing over and over for months).
'check your e-mail.'
'why?'
'you should just check it.'
he smiled and walked away.  i pulled it up as i placed a fork full of food in my mouth.  i stopped chewing, and tears streamed down my face.  there, before me, in my e-mail was the most gracious offer we had ever recieved.

'I know it's not simple for you guys to leave your girls, but I wanted to let you know we'd love to send you away to wherever you want to go for as long as you feel comfortable being gone this year or next.  Totally an open invitation, just let me know when you decide is a good time and your dream vacation.'

while we have no idea when or where this will take place, i am certain that God has heard me.  things aren't perfect still, but it's nice to feel like i'm not walking this alone.