Thursday, August 29, 2013


i can handle seizures like a pro.  when my big spikes a fever of 105 (which isn't completely uncommon when she is sick), i know ibuprofen and thirty minutes will work wonders.
but my little with a fever strikes fear in my heart like little else can.  there's words that dance around in there. taunting me.  

down syndrome.  somethings that isn't that big of a deal for us.  an extra copy of her twenty first chromosome. there are these things though.  these 'more likely' things that come along with that extra copy.  and those are the words that live in the recesses of my mind.
that is, until i pick her up, and she's warm. feverish warm.  and then they sprint forward causing my heart to beat faster, and my memory to remind me just how close we have come to loosing her.  they carry with them names of other brave warriors.

sometimes i hold her, and a song comes on, and i'm reminded how it was a song i had planned to use for her funeral.  because i thought there would be one.  and i thank God, over and over that there wasn't.  and then i pray, and beg, that He would let me raise both of my girls.  i love them.  i love being with them.  there is joy in there being.
so i rock little.  tears fall down my cheeks. they are being bottled, like so many before.  how is it, that i can love one so much?  

and i know, without a shadow of a doubt, that i would do it all again.  no matter how hard one tries, you will fall.  hard.  deep.  and you will allow your heart to get broken, if need be. love never fails.

1 comment:

  1. Hugs! It is so hard when they are little and sick, it does get easier as they get older and stronger and you can more easily tell what is wrong. My twins, one with Down syndrome, were sick almost constantly for the first two and half years of their lives. The twin without Ds was actually sicker, as in the more scary kind. She was hospitalized a few times for asthma attacks, and sometimes it was really bad. I lived on edge for months, years, but it has eased. That feeling is always lurking at the back of my mind, my heart, but it isn't constant anymore. Hoping for the light at the end of your tunnel ASAP.