Wednesday, February 10, 2010


Abigail saying cheese (and signing it)!

The teaching on Sunday morning was about worrying. And how we aren't supposed to. It's sin, and means that you aren't trusting God. Typing that actually caused physical discomfort for me. You see I am an amazing worrier. I worry about something happening to my husband. I worry about our car breaking down. I worry about Abigail...a lot. And when I heard the sermon I could put all of the worry in the category of sin...aside from Abigail.
I have wrestled all week with this thought. Well yes worrying that Jason will die in a car accident or be shot during a bank robbery is silly. But worrying that my child who's body is programmed to grow tumors along with a large array of other things, will have something horrible happen, or possibly die. That can't possibly be sin. It's just natural. It is completely valid for me to worry.
But then did God worry about Jesus? He knew from the beginning of time that He would be coming to Earth to die, but I can't find the spot where He was fretting and fussing over how unfair it seemed, or how hard it is, or how horrible it might be. Crap. I probably don't have valid reason to worry.

So in this wrestling match a small something has been in the back of my brain. Last night while I was asleep it crept forward. I dreamt of our upcoming appointment. The dream wasn't bad, or scary. It just reminded me next that next week we go to the ophthalmologist. It is really because we are pretty sure that Abigail needs glasses. However since she has NF they will look for lish nodules and optic gliomas (tumors).
So this morning I woke up worrying. What if they find something this time. What if her vision issues are from an optic glioma. Will they have to do chemo or surgery? What lies ahead for my baby. I sat down on the couch and turned on some music and prayed. I asked God to take my worry and fears. I confessed for the millionth time that Abigail is not mine like I think she is. She belongs to Him, and He has ordained her days. So here I sit feeling peaceful at the moment, but as always struggling back and forth with worry and fear. I wonder if I will ever learn to trust God like He deserves to be trusted?

Hoping to have things together soon...but guessing it will be lifelong.

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