it happened.

dear woman standing by the bouncy house at the park,
   i saw you watching me parent.  it's been hard lately.  the days are filled with never ending battles with a four year old.  i'm not sure that i'm parenting right, or well, but i'm giving it my all.  you saw a small glimpse tonight of my four year old, but it's not who she really is as a person.  let me tell you a little about her.
   my big, as i like to call her, is very intelligent.  i am amazed at how quickly she picks things up, and how much perseverance she has when she wants to learn something.  she aspires to be a doctor or nurse when she is older.  she has both the intelligence, and the compassion it takes to be a great one.
   big is fiercely protective of her little sister.  she loves to hold her, play ball with her, and just have dance parties in the room they share.  she dreams about taking ballet with her one day, and talks about how she will help her on the stage.  she also looks forward to the day her sister can join her in other activities that she is not yet able to do.
   my big has been through a lot in the last year and a half.  thankfully she is resilient.  and while i'll never allow this to be an excuse for poor behavior, she is still working through some fear and insecurities that came from her mama being gone so much.
   but here's the most important thing for you to know.  she's four.  and for that reason, she acts like a four year old.  people are not the thirty second windows you see them in.  and calling my daughter a nig.... because she was mad that she had to get out of the bouncy house said much less about her, or her actions, than it did about you.
   i knew there would be a first time for that word.  i'm thankful my big didn't hear it.  i heard it though.  and i cried.  i cried because i will have to teach my daughter that even though she is like most other children you meet, people will blame her actions on her skin color.  being black didn't make her misbehave.  being four did.
   i will forgive you at some point.  i'm angry right now, but i will move on.  you, however, need to get to know people who look different from you.  perhaps you will find that they aren't so different after all.

-the mother, of the child, you called that ugly word.



 

...something wrong with them.

i use this blog as a forum for lots of different things, because our lives are filled with many labels.  i know people don't always understand things outside of their own lives.  i am 300% certain i have said stupid and hurtful things to other people.  in general, when i'm met with comments that make my heart hurt a little, i do my best to educate, and then i make a joke about it on facebook later.  it's how i get through my day.  so today, i'm going to share, once again, about adoption.  i need people to understand these things.  my four year old understands what you're saying.  she's smart.  and, i'm starting to believe, that it was the grace of God, that allowed my little to be deaf.  because i don't ever want her to hear what people ask.

so let's start by reestablishing something.  first moms, birth moms, tummy mommy, whatever you would like to refer to the woman who carried a child, and then placed that child in someone else's arms, ARE. NOT. SELFISH.  stop judging them.  i don't care if they were addicted to crack.  they loved their child so much that they said, 'i cannot give this child what i want them to have.  i am going to find someone who can.'  i have met lots of birth mothers.  none of them have ever said, 'i don't want this kid.'  i've watched the tears.  i've heard the mixture of joy and sorrow that come with the choice they made.  it takes more love than i can hope or imagine to place a child for adoption.  educate yourself.  meet some birth moms.  read their stories.  stop. judging. them.
so here is where thing get hairy.  our family looks different than others.  people are curious.  i get it.  i know, that no matter what, we will get questions.  and like i said above, i can say the wrong thing sometimes.  there is a line though.  one that makes it really hard for me to be graceful.  one that makes my eyes well up, and my heart cry, 'dear God, please don't let abigail internalize that.'

'are both of those kids your?'
'yes.'
(referring to abigail) 'is she adopted?'
'she WAS adopted.  they both were'  (let me explain this answer.  first of all, for us, adoption was a one time thing.  it happened, and now it's over with.  second of all, i know that people assume shilo is biological because of skin color.  so i want to make certain not to single abigail out.)
(referring to shilo) 'oh.  did her mom give her up because she knew something was wrong with her?'

i get instantly pissed when i hear this.  i can eek by the fact that children aren't given up.  they are placed.  i'll pretend like i didn't even hear that.  but, did you really just ask me, in front of my children, if her mom got rid of her because she had something wrong with her?  really?  you just said that?  and what you don't know, is that my other daughter, standing there, also has a genetic disorder.  and she hears you.  and she gets it.  she's a very smart little girl.  i should not have to fix your ugly words for my children.
the questions vary, but they all are the same:  'i can't believe she gave her up.  kids like her are so sweet.'  'i would never give up a child just because they had something wrong with them.'  and then the flip of, 'did you know there was something wrong with her before you got her?'
my children weren't placed for adoption because of anything that had anything to do with them.  at all.  children are placed because their first families did not have the resources to parent them the way they wanted them to be parented.  money.  time.  health.  energy.  healthcare. the list goes on.  nothing on that list is because of the child.
could a parent say, 'i do not have the resources to take care of a child with special needs.'  absolutely.  that still does not translate to placing a child because she has 'something wrong with her.'
i'm all done being nice when someone asks this.  i am a fierce protector of my daughter's hearts.  i will not allow an adult, who has the sense to think before they talk, to say ugly things anymore.  i'm going to start calling people on it.  be ready.

nothing wrong with big.

definitely nothing wrong with these two sisters.

nothing wrong with  little.