Toddler Drawing Vortex of Grief

Everyone who lives, will at some point experience grief.  The loss of a pet, a friend moving a way, a hard diagnoses, losing grandparents, and the list goes on.  Part of living, is hard things.  There's no way around it.  And, by the time people are early adults, most are familiar with the concept of the five stages of grief.  It starts with denial, and ends with acceptance.  We view ourselves walking through each stage, and when we finally land at acceptance, it's this euphoric moment of peace where we are likely teleported to a peaceful tropical place for a few minutes, arms wide open, head tilted towards the sun, smiling and drinking in our arrival.

It's a lie.  The five stages of grief are real.  The woman that studied them, the research, and so on, all very real.  But, the things you know about it, not so much.  The most important thing to know about this is that these stages weren't researched on the people left behind.  The research was done on people with terminal illnesses.  The stages of grief are true for those who are dying.  ( In case you think I'm making this up, or aren't sure you buy what I'm selling, here's an article about it).

For so many people, grief looks much different.  It's much closer to this picture my son drew for me.

 

 

There are lots of colors.  Some lines that are mostly straight, but a whole lot of curves.  Some dots.  Somehow something sparkly got on the paper.  And, he says it's a picture of him and I, and it's very happy so I just nod my head as if that makes any sense with what I'm actually seeing.
This is how grief looks for me.  Especially when it comes to my childrens' diagnoses.  There are days where I feel like I've fully accepted things, and we're rolling with the punches.  Then three days later, I'm in my head, magically changing time so that I somehow prevent little getting sick and spending months in the hospital.  We avoid all foods that have nothing to do with my big's tumor, but none the less, I prevent it.   Or, I magically eat and drink all the right things and tiny is born without any congenital defects.  Do I have any idea if his defects were caused by anything I did or didn't do?  Not the point.  I'm in the toddler drawing vortex of grief, and today I'm living in denial, thank you very much.  Tomorrow I'll probably do some bargaining by way of yelling at God. And, in two weeks, you'll see me and I'll tell you that everything is great, things are going smoothly, and none of this stuff even phases me anymore. 

Grief for those of us still here, living the day in and day out, is messy.  It's complicated.  And, its filled with a toddler drawing of the grief stages.  I hope you all are enjoying your time in the vortex as much as I am!