my name is andrea, and i'm not strong. sometimes, i take the steps, instead of the elevator, so i have somewhere to cry by myself. other times, i stand over shilo, rubbing her head, and letting the tears fall. every sunday, as jason and abigail wave goodbye, i shamelessly stand in front of the elevator with tears streaming down my face.
yes, i am capable of taking care of my children, standing up for their needs, and being there for them. but the strongest thing i can think to do, for my children, is teach them that it's okay to hurt. it's okay to admit that this time in our life is hard and it sucks, and we can cry about that.
i hear family after family here say, 'you have to be strong, for your child.' and i wonder what that even means. absolutely i will be here and stand up for what she needs, and for her to get the best care possible in every way possible.
but for both of my daughters, i would much rather them learn that they don't have to act tough. sometimes life is hard. and sometimes the strongest thing to do is stop being so stoic, and fake, and admit the weakness.
maybe i'll think of something witty to say to the next person who tells me to be strong. or maybe it will be at just the right moment, and instead of saying anything, i will stand there, and cry. because sometimes, crying, seems like the only strong thing left to do.
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Not something witty.....just the truth. Reply with something like "I am strong. Strong enough to cry when I'm sad. Strong enough to admit my pain."
ReplyDeleteYou'll get through this. ((hugs))
Thank you for this post. God just used you to touch my life today. I've been following your blog for a long time now, but your post today hit home. I've been sick with a chronic disease for five years (I'm 19), and my best friend just passed away from cancer a month ago. Today during church as we talked about Heaven, I just cried, and for the first time, I didn't try to hide the tears. Everyone always tells me "I don't know how you do it". I always ask "do what"? I'm just doing what has to be done. All I'm doing is holding on to our Father as I go through this life. But I'm tired of being "strong". The pain of this life hurts. But we don't always have to be strong, because if we are always strong, we wouldn't need God. I will pray for you as I have before. Next time someone tells you to be strong, say, "that's what I have my God for". He is strong when we are weak. Thank you for sharing your words and your tears through this post.
ReplyDeleteDear one - my heart breaks for all that your sweet family has endured. You do not have to be strong - 'His power is made perfect by our weakness' 2 Corinth 12:9. We are frail, but He is strong. Continuing to pray for Shilo, for healing, for the surgery that will allow her to come home -- and for your momma's heart, for your sweet family -- and for this time. Praying that you will feel the arms of your heavenly Father carrying you - that He will whisper in your ear that you do not have to be strong and reassure you of His love for you, for Shilo, for your husband, and for Abigail -- and that He will fill you with hope that surpasses all human understanding. - Lisa
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