Tuesday, February 28, 2012

the little things you will miss.

yesterday and last night were stable.  the drip of sedative seems to be working nicely to keep shilo comfortable.  it's nice to not see her fighting the respirator, or having ten people rushing into your room all of a sudden.  she is still extremely swollen and so they are working with changing the diuretics she is taking.  overall though, we are just in the waiting mode for her to start getting better.
it's funny though, how living in a hospital quickly changes some perspectives.  there's a baby somewhere else in the icu who is crying and crying.  it makes me sad: not because the baby is crying, but because i want to hear my baby cry again.  i want to be able to change her diaper, give her a bath, and kiss her until she starts wiggling her head around in annoyance.  i want to see her sweet smile light up her whole face and tug on my heart strings.  but more than anything, my arms just feel so empty.  i want the weight of her resting on my chest as she breathes steadily with the occasional sleepy sigh.  even though i am here with her, i miss her greatly.  she isn't herself.
jason and abigail got to come up today because abigail had a pulmanologist appointment.  we spent a few hours today and had a tearful goodbye as they headed for home, and i found my chair in the corner.  abigail hugged me a hundred times and told me she wanted me to come home.  she did really well with seeing shilo hooked to so many machines.  we tried to explain it the best we could.  and maybe some people would criticize us for bringing her here.  the thing is though, that we are going to be here for a while, and she misses her sister.  so we think the benefit of getting to see her far outweighs anything else.
i also, for the first night, will be heading down to sleep in the ronald mcdonald house to sleep tonight, leaving my little peanut all alone.  i think i need the sleep, but still feel pretty guilty about it all.  so i can validate one night of sleep, i think.

please just keep praying for shilo, for mama and papa, and for abigail.  we can't wait to be together again, with a healthy little peanut.


  1. My prayers are still with you. Definitely sleep. She's in good hands.

    I agree with you. It's much better for big sisters to know littles are "ok" and you haven't disappeared. We felt the same way when Sean went for heart surgery. Meredith came & it was good and then it was teary, but I was happy we had her come.

    Big hugs. You're an awesome momma who doesn't need to question her parenting.

  2. i know you know the 'right' answers, but i will tell you anyway. you're doing great. shilo couldn't ask for a better mama, daddy, and sister. i'm so glad you felt able to show abigail where shilo is right now. hugs, prayers, rest.

    and sleep. it's so hard to leave them, i know. but sleep. even if it's in the chair next to her.


  3. Don't feel guilty for leaving her side. It is very important for Shilo and Abigail for you to get proper rest and for you to take care of yourself. If you let you fall apart, then they will suffer. Just taking a few hours for YOU time will rejuvenate you and that will help you take care of the kids.

    Also, I agree with you letting Abigail see Shilo. We have brought Isabella to TONS of Joey's doctors appointments and even a few surgery days. It helps her understand what is going on. She is now almost 7 and has been dealing with this stuff since she was 2.

  4. Praying for you and Jason, Abigail and especially Shilo. Hope you are able to get good rest tonight.

  5. Praying, praying and praying some more for your sweet peanut.

    Not that it matters what anyone else thinks, but I feel you are completely right to allow Abigail to see her sister. Those girls need each other. I have two girls and I would have done the same in your situation.

    Try not to feel guilty about getting some much needed sleep. Shilo is in good hands, so allow yourself some rest.