Thursday, August 27, 2009

Who am I anyway?

I need the dreams to stop. The dream I had last night is still causing me anxiety. So much so that I can't bring myself to share it with anyone else.

I have been spending time doing research lately. As we approach her appointment I feel like I need to go in knowing as much as I can about nf. The last time we went to Riley I was blindsided and don't remember much of what the doctor said. I want to make sure I know enough that when I go in I can hear what they are saying; none of it will be a surprise.

I also want to have all of the right questions. I think if I miss a question the doctor might miss something really important going on with Abigail. After all he only specializes in nf....I specialize in Abigail. Jason continues to remind me that I need to trust the doctors. I think in theory I do trust them, but I also know that they see so many patients that it would be easy to see her as a patient and not my baby bug.

I'm trying to balance all of this in my head with Abigail's upcoming first birthday and party, my sister's wedding, my husband's thirtieth birthday, and holidays in the not far future. I am excited about all of the joyful events coming up. I just have felt like when I'm making appointments I need to make sure that they are not too close to any of these events. The day we found out was the day after my birthday and right before my first Mother's Day. We didn't tell anybody until after because we wanted to try to celebrate. I want to celebrate all of the joyful events in our future.

I think I recently realized that I just feel overwhelmed and unsure of my "identity." I don't mean like I'm in high school again trying to get people to like me. I mean in the last year my identity has gone to mother, mother of an adopted child, mother of a child of another race, mother of a child with a genetic disorder. I don't know who I identify with anymore. It's not that I think I have it harder or easier than anyone else. It's just truly that with all of these labels; I begin to wonder which group our family would fit in should we choose to join one. I doubt there is a group of adoptive parents of children of another race with neurofibromatosis 1. If there is the meeting would be great. Stories of horrible things people say, doctors appointments, and crazy poops.

Hopefully, although some of these labels make parenting much different than most experience, I will settle in to this in the next few months. Because I am thankful for every aspect of my daughter. I love having a daughter, of another race, that we adopted, and found out she has a genetic disorder. Might sound crazy, but when you wait three years on the baby God has told you He is going to bring, even the REALLY hard things feel a little more peaceful.

Figuring out who I am,

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