I don't even know how to start this entry. I am overwhelmed right now. I am finding that every time Abigail goes to the doctor I am waking up the night before thinking about nf. I had another dream about it last night. People kept asking me questions and I had to give all these answers about what it is and what it can do. Once again a horrible reminder of all the things that could go wrong for our daughter. I was awake for about an hour in the middle of the night laying and thinking about nf.
So our doctors appointment today was "routine." It was with our ent for a post-op check of her tubes in her ears. There wasn't any true reason to be stressed about it!! However I decided since he specializes in throats too I would mention something I noticed on her throat. I had mentioned it to our doctor when I took Abigail in for strep throat. She thought it was a swollen lymph node. I had noticed it about three weeks before that. However after she finished her antibiotic it was still there. So I thought it probably is still just a lymph node but I'll ask.
So holding my daughter sort of upside down through her tears I showed the doctor. He felt it for a few minutes and pondered before he spoke. It could be two things. He explained the first one. Then sort of said what had been in the back of my mind since I noticed it. "It feels like a fibroma. When she has her mri they should be able to tell you for sure what it is."
I held it together as we walked to the car. Not very well, but I held it together. I drove home, although I don't really remember driving home. I feed Abigail a toasted cheese sandwich and peas...because she loves them and I wanted her to have something she loved today. I layed her down for her nap and walked downstairs at which point I lost it.
Jason called at that moment so I told him what Dr. Phillipsen had said. He didn't really say anything else. We just stayed on the phone for a minute and then he said I have to go I'm at my next job.
Now it is still possible that it is not a tumor so I am trying to remember that. None the less I feel similar to what I did the day we found out about the nf. Unsure of how to deal with this, wanting answers NOW and deciding to watch scrubs and drink a beer. This isn't how we deal with everything, it just helps to bring laughter at the end of a hard day. It also is a nice way to space out the discussion of new things.
This post was mostly as an update so I don't have any real wit or encouragement. Please continue to pray for Abigail, us, and the doctors who will be caring for her.
With heavy hearts,