I didn't want to go to church today. I love being there. The body I'm part of almost always makes me leave feeling encouraged. But, I'm feeling a bit raw right now, and did not want to go because I knew what I would do. And I did.
But, the surgery is, quite honestly, the thing that is always right there at the front of my mind. I'm not any more nervous about the surgery than I have been others, my kids have had. I think he'll do great. I think he'll recover. I don't think there will be complications.
I don't want to do this. I don't want to drive to the hospital, and sit in a small room pre-surgery with a hungry baby. I don't want to sit in the waiting room for hours, while a nurse rounds every hour telling us how it is going. I don't want to see the healthy, active toddler I handed off, in pain, and with tubes and wires. Most of all, I don't want to hand him off. I don't want to give him to a doctor. I don't care how great she is. I don't care if she's done this surgery lots of times. I want to be anywhere but at the hospital, giving my third child over, for a major surgery. I'm tired of major surgeries. I'm tired of surgeries. I'm tired of doctors. I'm tired of diagnoses, and medical, and all of it.
So, as we sang this song today, I sobbed. And, during the sermon, I cried some more. And, at the end, when there was prayer, I sobbed again. I don't know when hard things will end for us. Perhaps, never, this side of heaven. I don't have anything great or beautiful to end this with. The things I might usually say here, while still true, are not how I feel at this moment. I want to be honest. And, I want people to know that it's okay to struggle without having the answers. It's also okay to let your friends struggle without trying to give them the answers. Sometimes, things are just hard.
I will leave you with a few pictures because it's been a little while since I've shared any.
Asher nursing while Shilo snuggles.
Fourth of July fun!