It's bedtime. I stand next to Asher's crib, holding him as he snuggles against my shoulder and hugs me. I slowly rub his back, and drink in his smell before laying him down. The moment is pure joy.
The two littles are napping. Abigail curls up against me on the couch. We sit together watching something on television, or reading together. I kiss her forehead and tell her how much I love being her mama. The moment is pure joy.
Shilo crawls away from me, giggling, turns, and signs again. I tickle her, and blow on her belly. She laughs uncontrollably causing me to laugh just as hard. Then, we start over again. The moment is pure joy.
And, in each of these moments the joy is mixed with an intense amount of anxiety. It's simultaneously life giving, and panic inducing. All of the things that can go wrong flow through my head at the same time, bidding me not to love so much. To protect myself. Think of all the things in the world that could possibly go wrong, taking away these sort of moments.
I fight it. I'm allowed to feel joy. I don't have to pair it with anxiety. I can just love the moment. If something did happen, I would want to remember these moments. I would want them to be imbedded so deeply that I can feel them. The weight of Asher on my shoulder, Abigail curved against my side, Shilo's little body shaking as she giggles.
I'm learning to love the moments, and quietly shush the fears that want to drown out the joy. There are days where the fears will win. Days filled with appointments, or bad news, that I allow myself to research, lament, and grieve. But, I don't want these things to win. I want joy to win in the moment to moment things each day.