there are some lines from a song i love that ring true, today.
'there's the presence of thieves, who only want, to rob you blind.
they steal away, innocence and peace...'
years ago, we sat in a doctor's office. i had worried myself into feeling like we should see a geneticist. what i had assumed was the issue, was not. but, in some horrible way my fears were validated. there was something more going on. and so was the diagnoses of NF. and the year that followed, i regret. i regret the amount of time i focused on limitations and what if's instead of my daughter. i regret that i became so obsessed with checking for tumors that i could no longer be the one who bathed my child. i missed out on joy. innocence. peace. it was stolen from me when i focused on the thief.
then, maybe consciously, maybe not, i jumped in a second time already knowing things so that i could avoid shock. nobody was going to get me with a 'hey, by the way, she's got this going on.' but, we still ended up surprised. i handled it better though. and i didn't try to will away the delays. i just accepted them for what they were. sure, i would love for my stubborn little to stand up and walk already, but i'm not anxious about it.
and, today, i am fighting those thieves again. the words on their own seem small. there's this small thing. and that small thing. then this. then that. separately, they're no big deal. then my head goes through the list, one after another. my heart starts pounding. my brain whispers over and over, 'there's something more. something bigger.' but, i fight. i fight with all i am. 'maybe. maybe there is something more. but, i'll worry about that on the day we know. today, i'm going to dance. i'm going to read stories. i'm going to laugh at his little tongue play. i'm going to smile at how he is able to find tags on the inside of my shirt seem when he's nursing, or on toys, or even the stroller. i won't let you take from me that which i can't get back.'
it's hard. when you've lived in a world full of fears coming true, the thief known exactly how to get to you. he'll take today from you any way he can.
but, i will fight. i will fight by not reading the list of milestones he should have met. i will fight by not comparing him to other babies his age (or younger). i will fight by celebrating what he is doing. i will fight by presenting my fears to the Truth, over and over. i'll let Truth deal with it. Truth conquers the thief over and over. and, in the end, It will win.