I can't begin to describe how overwhelmed I feel. I have had a few really hard days over the past couple of weeks. My two hardest days have been accompanied by a phone call from a friend to let me know she had been thinking of me and praying. My second one was met by an e-mail saying the same. And although both made me feel a little better, I still felt like it is all just too much.
So this afternoon I layed Abigail down for a nap and started cleaning, picking up, and just doing everything I could to not let myself think too much about all of the upcoming things. I turned on some pandora and refused to be still.
And then "Come and Listen" by David Crowder came on and I could hear the whisper of God telling me to come and listen. I tried to ignore it. I didn't want to listen, I didn't want to think, I wanted to keep moving.
But I gave in. I sat down and picked up the Bible and opened to Psalms. I find myself doing this a lot lately. I don't care which one I read, just something to speak to me. And this is what I read:
"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging." Psalm 46 1-3
And I immediately thought how parenting a child with the medical possibilities Abigail has feels like the earth is giving way, and the mountains are falling into the heart of the sea. It feels like everything around you is getting ready to fall apart. Things are not following their natural order and all hell could break lose at any moment. And sometimes it does.
However that is not the end of the verse. I continued reading and the end of it was what I needed reminded of.
"Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10
When I read this there was the reminder of realizing that I need to keep in mind that I don't know what God is doing. And whatever is happening, and will happen with Abigail He will be able to use to be exalted. So instead of letting the turmoil overtake me I need to be still. I need to sit and listen because the whispers of the Lord are always full of sweet things that I need to hear.
So I prayed and told God I had no idea how to be still in this. I don't know how to even let go of the fear, pain, and ache in my heart that have come with all of the unknowns. And I felt that relief of just being honest. I felt the whisper of how aching for my daughter is okay, and normal. And the questions, and things I don't understand are things I need to wrestle with, and be honest about. So I thought I would share a few things that I have trouble understanding.
*Why does the Bible say by His wounds we ARE healed. Not that we will be someday, but that we already are?
*Why are we told that whatever we ask for in His name we will be given?
*Why are we told to call on the elders and have them pray and the prayers of the righteous will bring healing?
I don't know that I even need answers, just to wrestle through what each thing means to me; to figure out what to do with the things in the word that don't always make sense to me.
I'm thankful I serve a God who allows me to wrestle through these sort of things because I know in the end it will draw me closer to Him, and that His love for me does not change when I am full of questions without answers.