Raising girls.

My big asked all of the questions by four years old.  And, as is my parenting philosophy, I answered what she asked.  As she grew, and we had repeat conversations, I actually appreciated that there was no scary looming 'sex' conversation.  Just filling in some of the gaps as she continued to grow and learn.

Even with those conversations.  Even with our absolute certainty that our children understand and respect body autonomy, and know what all of the parts are for both sexes, I wasn't prepared.

My nine year old tells me everything.  Every. Thing.  I love it.  I'm so thankful she feels safe sharing things with me.  I hope that it means as the conversations begin shifting from someone blocking the slide at recess, to bigger things, she still comes to me.
So yesterday, she did just that. She shared the story of a boy from her class not respecting her body autonomy boundaries.  It wasn't anything that could qualify as more than obnoxious, but we talked again about why it's okay in those situations to be more bold than normal.  And, then she told me that when she tries those things he responds with, 'it's because you hate me isn't it?'
I held my face and my voice steady.  But, inside, I was seething.  A third grade boy is already using emotional manipulation to attempt to get a female to accept unwanted touch.  Third grade.  It makes me feel so scared.  I feel completely unprepared and inadequate to navigate the things that lie ahead for my daughter.
We talk about strategies.  We talk about how emotional manipulation is wrong.  And, then the story continues onto her sharing a conversation he had where he made inappropriate sexual jokes to her.  I continued to markedly keep my face and voice from revealing my feelings.  It was an in the car, on the way somewhere conversation, so it couldn't go deep.  I told her to let her teacher know.  Then, I sat on it for 24 hours.  It seemed small.  I mean, it's likely the boy didn't even know exactly what the things he said meant.  I knew Big didn't fully understand.  But, I kept arriving back in my head at, 'This is the first time.  How you handle this now sets a precedent for everything like this moving forward.'

So I sat down tonight and told her:
This was not okay.  It's not okay for anyone to talk to you like that, or make jokes.  I'm really proud of you for letting your teacher know.  If it happens again, I want you to tell your teacher, and us.  We will work with your teacher, if it continues, to make certain it is handled well.  You are also allowed to use loud and angry words in response to anyone talking to you that way.  I have had people talk to me that way as well.  And, while I would love to tell you that it won't happen again, it will.  So it's good that we're talking about it now so we know how to deal with it in the future.
But, most importantly, some people might tell you things like, 'Oh, that's just how boys talk.' or 'He didn't mean anything by it.'  That's not true.  That's not how boys talk.  And, we proceeded to name all of the guys we know who do not talk like that. 
When she shared the story with Jason, and he said, 'I'm so sorry he said those things to you' she responded with, 'It's okay.'  And, like the incredible man, husband, and father that he is, he said, 'No it's not.  It's not okay for him to say those things.'

It's easy to think this is blown out of proportion.  It's easy to write the behavior and words off as typical, or too young to really understand.  But, this lays the foundation for so much of her future as a female.  She's nine, and experienced blatant sexual harassment for the first time.  Nine.  I'm thirty five, and it hasn't ended for me.  In a world full of excuses for men who treat women as objects, use their bodies against their will, and speak ugly things against our being, I will have the hard conversations with my nine year old.  I will call things for what they are.  And, I will set the precedent for her now that she NEVER has to tolerate being mistreated because she's a girl.  And, I will hold her hand as long as she will let me as we navigate the times ahead where this happens over and over again.