Advent

Advent.  The season of looking forward.  Expectation.  Excitement.  Anticipation. Celebrating.

No matter where I am in life, it always feels like there is this relentless hope that accompanies advent.  Remembering that Christ came like He said He would.  Hoping for His return.  The whisper of reconciliation that makes people believe that things might just be set right at any moment.

The next few weeks are calm for us.  The appointments are done for the year.  The presents are (mostly) bought.  School is on break.  We get to sleep later.  Tiny turns two. We see family.
But, January is working to overshadow.  It looms, just in the distance, reminding me of all the lingering questions.  The neuro-surgeon consult for Shilo.  The endocrinology consult for Asher.  The MRI and oncologist appointment for Abigail.  And, once that's over, we start February with Asher's second Mehta casting. 

For the past year, medical stuff has been relentless.  It's been a tag team of appointments, and new diagnoses, surgeries, and big questions. It's been a year of unexplained chronic bowel issues for one child, and new bowel issues for another.  Literally, my days are filled with a lot of shit.  And, despite the extra stuff, the regular things didn't show mercy.  We still had therapies.  And, homework.  Dishes. Laundry.  My kids still felt like they needed meals and snacks.  Books read, and snuggles. 

My whole being said enough months ago, and yet, there was more.  And, I didn't even realize how far I had gone into the darkness, until I sat in my house one Friday, desperately planning a way out.  So I nervously, and bravely, sat in my doctor's office the following Monday.  She, being the incredible doctor, and person that she is, was compassionate and empathetic.  And, we talked over medicine.

Last night, big and I went shopping together for a few things.  We spent the whole time laughing really hard.  People staring at us sort of laughter.  It had been a long time since I had laughed like that.  It was beautiful.  And, freeing.  It reminded me of who I was before.  I'm not sure when before was.  A specific day.  Or week.  A month.  An event.  But, there was a before.  One where I wasn't enveloped in darkness.  I'd forgotten that it existed because it had gone away so slowly, and so fast.  Like time seems to do.

So, as January tries hard to surround me, as future works to draw me back into a dark place, I finally have help.  I have an advent in my life.  It brings with it hope and the belief that things may just all be okay at any moment.