happy heart day.

two year ago we got up early and talked to a bright eyed little.  we prayed over her.  we sat anxiously.

we walked with the nurses as they wheeled her from her home of two months to the operation room.  we kissed her goodbye, and sat for nine hours, waiting to see her again.

afterwards there were more tubes and wired than there had been before, and she was on a medicine to paralyze her because her sternum was still open.

but, much to everyone's surprise she did great, and they took her back to surgery and closed her sternum.

a week later, after nine weeks and one day, she came off of the vent.  for the first time in over two months she no longer had a tube in her throat. 

...and it would be really easy to focus on the hardness of that part of our lives.  but, two years later, i'd much rather share who shilo is today.  a two and a half year old, full of life, joy, and orneriness.  she can communicate very well, by signing.  she is strong willed.  she has learned to use the potty all the time.  she is madly in love with her big sister.  Jason and I took some time this year to go back and read all of the messages we got that day, all the people who were praying, and sharing our story so that others could pray.  and instead of feeling sad, all I could feel was the love of a community who surrounded us beautifully during the hardest time in our lives, and continue to do so now.  so today, we celebrate two years with a fixed heart.  and we rejoice at the little God blessed us with.

happy heart day little.  we love you greatly!!

heart.

 i changed her diaper, and blew raspberries on her belly, legs, neck, and cheek.  she giggled, and tried to play with my hair.  i stood up and just looked at her a minute.  remembering.  one year.  it's hard to believe.  the nine hours of sitting.  the nurse who came by every hour to update us.  the surgeon who did his best to warn us that he didn't think she would do well.
walking into the huge room we were given because the doctors all believed she would need to be on bypass still. she wasn't.  rejoicing when she began pacing on her own.  rejoicing when they closed her sternum the next day.  tears of joy when that damn tube finally came out of her throat.  seeing her whole round face for the first time in nine weeks.
it's hard to believe it has been a whole year.  it's hard to believe it has only been a year.  it feels like some sort of alternate universe we lived in.  one i have tried hard to forget.  but there's this scar.  i see it everyday.  the ugly and beautiful mingle together.  all i can find is thankfulness that my little is here.
yesterday, as a sat at the funeral sofi,  i was reminded of where we had been.  i remembered trying to prepare my heart to say goodbye.  i remembered middle of the night text to my husband, 'i don't think she's going to make it.  her sats are five, they are bagging her, and she isn't coming out of it.'  and i remembered the day that so many other parents of little's who need ohs fear.
but we weren't afraid. it was our only chance of ever having our little back.

happy heart day, sweet little.