Waiting on...

Mama, Papa, Abigail, and Monkey

And so we wait. We are at a month of a fever ranging from 100-101. Abigail's only other symptom is swollen lymph nodes. We have noticed a few other things that may be related, but am not sure. I have patiently waited through numerous doctors appointments and maybe it could be's....


However we are passed the point of it being a virus (as well as she has no other symptoms of a virus) and on round three of antibiotic that isn't touching the fever. So when the second urine test came back clear I decided to be the crazy mom. I said can we do some blood work. I may be off, but shouldn't we start ruling out some bigger things. The doctor agreed. I think she was thinking the same thing already...I just said it first.


So today we went for blood work. We ended up taking a stool sample too...because of possible blood in it. I know that probably makes some of you a little squeamish. So the testing went okay. Abigail screamed through it, but they had to poke her three times and everyone thought she was cute so there were like 5 phlobotomist standing there.


Now we have a three to five day wait. I don't like the wait. I keep going over all of the possibilities of what it might be...over and over and over and over. I feel somewhat relieved to be getting either some answers or ruling things out. It's nice to be on that road finally, but also somewhat fearful of getting some answers.


Waiting is hard. House's staff never takes that long on television to get blood test results back. Apparently though we aren't on an hour long sitcom. This is real life. So we could use some prayers for peace...as always. And answers. And hope.





Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12





So we wait here, praying, trusting, and hoping in the mighty God that we serve.

Italy or Holland?

I'm letting go. Of what you ask? The idea of what normal is. The idea of what life should look like. MY idea that is. You see I have realized over the past few weeks that part of the reason that I feel so overwhelmed by doctors appointments is because they are not in my plan.
A long time ago...well maybe not that long...I had this image of what my "family" would be. I had this picture of my bulging belly. I could see Jason holding my hand as I brought our child into the world. I knew it would all be perfect and beautiful.
Well the bulging belly never happened for me. It was actually very easy for me to let go of that having a biological child. I know some people really struggle, but it wasn't that hard for Jason and I to accept that we would adopt and move on.
Then I had this idea of how our adoption would work out. Our adoption attorney would call and tell us a baby had been born and we could go pick her up from the hospital. We would get her and she would be perfect. That is not at all how it worked out. I am glad because Abigail's birth mom was amazing and I would have really missed out if I had not gotten to spend so much time with her.
So then once we had been chosen I felt like things were going smooth. The birth mother was awesome and let me come to appointments. She invited me to be in the room while she gave birth. She sat and told me stories about her and her family. It was great. Finally I could stop letting go of what I wanted. This was exactly what I wanted.
Then came the day of Abigail's birth. She was supposed to come out crying. She did not. She came out not breathing and they called a code. She was in the NI CU for three days but over all that went well and ended up being not so bad.
From there though I still had my thoughts. Abigail and I would be home together everyday. We would go to story hour, grocery shopping, read books, go on walks, and eagerly await Jason coming home from work everyday. That part is mostly true. For the first eight months aside from the frequent ear infections things were pretty smooth. Abigail was such an easy baby. Slept for eight hours at night at eight weeks. By four months was doing eleven hour nights. Did all of the "drop evening nap" and other things in the time the books said. She was not strong willed, slept in her bed, ate broccoli, drank water...you know all the things a kid with an easy personality would do.
Then came the day that God showed me I needed to let go. The day of the beginning of lots more doctors appointments, lots more worry, lots more figuring out what I believed about God. That day I have written specifically about in other post, but that is not what this is about. This is about letting go.
I have gone through a range of emotions. First was bewildering numbness. Then came a period were I cried all the time. I have gotten angry. I have felt sorry for myself. I have been sad for my daughter. I sometimes feel all of these things on the same day.
I recently realized that I had been to a doctor with Abigail every week for 12 weeks straight. I don't know how to describe that realization. I am tired of doctors, and I can't imagine how tired she is of someone she is unfamiliar with looking her over, listening to her heart, holding her down, being there when she wakes up in an unfamiliar place...and so on. This was not on my schedule of things I would be doing as a stay at home mom. It isn't in there with reading books, giggling, and taking walks.
Once again though I am letting go. So we go to the doctor a lot. That is part of MY staying at home. Some families do all the things I listed and that's it. However God formed my little girl together in her tummy mommy's womb. He knew her and knew what her future held. He knew what my plans were, and He knew that they would be changed.
He knew that I would have to learn to let go. I believe every parent who has a child with special needs will tell you that you work through acceptance. Part of working through it is coming to terms with letting go of what you are still trying to hold on to. Letting go of what "normal" is and moving on with what your "normal" is now.
There is a poem that I thought I would end with because it describes well the feeling I am trying to portray.



Welcome to Holland
by: Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability-to try to help people who have not experienced that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this...
When you are going to have a baby it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip-to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland!" you say. "What do you mean Holland? I signed up for Italy. I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you have been there for a while, you catch your breath and you look around....you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandt's.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy...and they are all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, "Yes that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away...because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things....about Holland.





This poem is beautiful. So I'm learning to let go of Italy. I still talk to lots of people there. I have wonderful friends who I'm glad did not also end up in Holland. And I have met some truly amazing people in Holland. I am thankful for Holland. But am still sad about not being in Italy.




Our beautiful little Holland :)

Letting go,

15 months.............

Okay a little bit of time has past since my last post about all the wonderful things about Abigail. Enough time that I think I should go on and on about her again. She is changing quickly. Not as much as in the first year, but learning new things all the time. I am often amazed at how intelligent she is.

She is officially 15 months. It's still shocks me how fast things go. I know everyone tells you this before you have kids, but seriously, it goes fast. We are still loving it and think that being parents is an amazing and wonderful thing. Abigail is a wonderful blessing in our lives that repeatedly leads us back to praying "please show us what to do because we are in need of Your guidance and direction in how to parent and what's best for Abigail."

So anyway let the story begin. As of two days ago Abigail walks all the time. She had taken steps before, but now if she falls she almost always stands back up instead of crawling. I still haven't adjusted to hearing her coming and turning to see her wobbly little body coming towards me...much slower than crawling at the moment. It also is still amazing to me because at nine months she couldn't put weight on her legs. I have not forgotten, nor will I ever forget, that God healed her. Six months later she is walking, climbing steps, dancing, clapping, and being a toddler.

She is picking up on new things at the speed of light. She has seen me blow my nose a few times so she has started trying to pull tissues out of the trash and blow her nose. I gave her a cloth diaper to use...a little more sanitary than used tissues.

She does motions to this little light of mine, He's got the whole world in His hands, I'm a little teapot, twinkle twinkle, and the itsy bitsy spider. She LOVES music. If she is awake she ask for it to be on. It is on so much that for the first time ever I enjoy the silence while she is in bed. She also enjoys playing the piano, drums (that I made), tambourine, and a few other little percussion type instruments that we have. She is musical.

Her vocabulary though is still the thing that when I think about it I am blown away. Between signs and words she is off the charts. I am going to list them all so you can be impressed too. For signs she knows: more, eat, please, all-done, thank you, no thank you, drink, water, milk, cheese, cracker, banana, apple, blueberry, sit, potty, brush teeth, stinky, help, book, music, train, airplane, up, down, shoes, socks, flower, butterfly, tree, light, baby, monkey, bird, hear, phone, hurt, hot, yuck, night-night(bed), Jesus and mama. A few of them are her own signs she uses, but she uses them consistently and we know what they mean. So the words she can say: all-done, down, mama, papa, dog, monkey, Maggie, Myla, stop, quit (those last two are courtesy of the dogs), shoes, bath, night-night, and teeth, I know impressive. My fifteen month old has nearly 50 words in her vocabulary and can put two or three together. She is so smart.

So to explain a few things from the list. The potty...she is so interested when I go. I am not trying to train her. I have a little one though so I pulled it out and said Abigail's potty and showed her the sign. She asks to sit on it. It never last long, so she is usually clothed, but it turned out to be a smart move. Yesterday we needed to get a urine sample to see if her uti had cleared up. She peed out of the first bag. I didn't want them to have to cath her. Soooo...I put the bag on her, sat her on the potty, turned on some kid songs (from the 80's) and gave her water. Within two minutes she had peed....and that meant no catheter! Hooray for Abigail liking to sit on the potty. I'm also hoping it will mean she will show interest earlier, but I'll take what I get for now.

The stop and quit are what we say to Maggie and Myla (our dogs) over and over and over for licking Abigail's face. She now emphatically tells them stop and quit as well. It's funny to hear someone that little try to use the same firm voice as an adult. It comes out sounding like a growl.

Beyond the walking and vocabulary she loves animals. She is getting pretty good with some of their noises. She can do a dog, cat, pig, sheep, horse, cow, owl, rooster, and turkey. Apparently snowmen and giraffes also make a noise similar to a cow, but we aren't sure why that is! She also does a train noise, sirens, and a cars with no mufflers. It makes living in the city with lots of noise a little more enjoyable. :) And it makes us laugh.

She is a lover. She hugs and kisses everything still. She loves her monkey and lambie. Monkey was her gift for the one year after adoption finalization day. Lambie was an Easter gift from grandma Brenda and grandpa Eric. They are her favorites. She has started calling for monkey (we taught her this) when she wants him. She yells "MON MON." It's cute. One the way home from Thanksgiving though we didn't give him to her because she gets car sick. So for about an hour off and on in the car she yelled for him. Maybe that wasn't the best thing to teach her?

She also has started insisting we kiss him when we kiss her goodnight. She makes a kiss noise and holds him up so I have to say goodnight to Abigail Tohelet Mann and Monkey Mann. I also though it would be funny to pretend to suck his thumb since Abigail sucks hers. She pretends to suck his thumb and now insist that Jason and I do as well. It's comical since she often has a foot or his tail instead of his thumb. :)

Abigail and monkey

Oh the stories I could tell going on and on. Ones that I think are way cuter than anyone else ever will. That's what parenting is though. So enjoy these and if you want more let me know. I'm certain I could think of some more great things to tell you about this little girl that we have fallen madly in love with!

Christmas Tradition

Our Nativity Scene

As a child I was allowed to wake up whatever time I wanted on Christmas morning. My two sisters and I shared a room and around 3-4 a.m. one of us would wake up, get the other two up, and go wake up our parents. We would go downstairs and unwrap gifts. Usually by 7-8 we had played for a bit and fell back asleep in various locations in our home. I love that my parents didn't make us wait until a certain time to get up, or eat breakfast first or go to visit our grandparents right away. I truly appreciate a lot of the traditions that we had.


When us girls got older and cared more about clothes my parents would give us money. Then on the day after Christmas my mom would take us three girls and we would all go shopping anywhere we wanted to go. We would go out to lunch, and just enjoy girl time and spending our money. My mom always said it was easier than buying something then taking it back. I'm not sure if that's 100% true, but it definitely made for great memories.





Now that we have a little girl we are trying to figure out some things about Christmas and traditions. We really want it to be about Christ and not presents. We want Abigail to know that Christmas is when we celebrate Christ coming to earth to live among us. It is also a great time to look forward to when He will return to take us all home.


I decided to do some research about advent (the season before Christmas that marks the technical beginning of a new year in the Christian calender). While researching I learned some really fun things that I think we might try.


First of all we have decided not to do Santa clause. I know...gasp, shock, the horror. It was a personal decision we made. We are truly fine with other people teaching their kids about Santa. For this reason we don't want Abigail to be the one who tells all the other kids that he isn't real. So we have decided to celebrate St. Nicholas day on December 6. We will put something sweet in Abigail's stocking and talk about the man who was later fashioned into Santa clause. Hopefully as she gets older we can explain why some people tell their children about Santa and then she won't go around telling other children that they are wrong. :)


We have decided to not do presents on December 25th. We will celebrate the birth of Christ on this day. The twelve days of Christmas begin at sundown on Christmas Eve. The last day is January 6th. It is known as the day of epiphany. It is traditionally celebrated as the day the wise men arrived with the gifts for the King of Kings. So we will do gifts this day and do three gifts each since that is how many Jesus got. I also read that lots of households move their wise men closer to the nativity scene each day and then add them in on the day of epiphany. We will do this because it is fun and a good object lesson to help remember why we are doing this.


A couple of other days in December I think we will celebrate are St. Stephen day and The Day of the Innocent. St. Steven day is the 26th and it is the day that we recognize the first Christian martyr from the book of Acts in the Bible. We thought it would be a great time to introduce bigger world concepts and teach her about people in other parts of the world who are being martyred....and praying for them.


The day of the innocent is December 28th and it is the day we recognize all the boys under 2 that Herod killed when he was trying to kill baby Jesus. We also thought it would be a good day to introduce the idea of children around the world who are suffering, going without, and dying. It will also be a time where we will eventually introduce the idea of abortion to Abigail and how many innocent babies are being killed here and now.


Obviously some of these concepts are a few years down the road since she is only 15 months. But it is great to already be thinking through some of the things that we want to teach her someday. We have also decided to do advent at home. I bought a wreath and candles. The four Sundays before Christmas and then on Christmas day we will read different parts of the Christmas story from our Bible and Abigail's Jesus Storybook Bible. We will talk a little bit and pray.


We did our first candle this past Sunday. We read about the angel coming to Mary and telling her she was going to have a baby. We read Mary's song together from Luke. We sat by the figurines of Jesus, Joseph and Mary we have with the shepard and animals. I don't know how much actually sinks in to Abigail's little brain. However yesterday and today she has pointed to the candles and signed light. She also has pointed to the figurines and signed baby Jesus. So even if she doesn't get the full concept, she is understanding something.


It is exciting to see the Christmas story again for the first time; to be the one to share the magical story of a baby born 2000 years ago. Conceived by a virgin, born to suffer and die for our sins; conquering death and sin so that we could have eternal life. I like that we are introducing new traditions, but Christmas is magical in and of itself...if you believe.





Enjoying Christmas through the eyes of our child,

Thankful...

Although I should be getting things to ready for our venture to visit family I have a little on my mind so I thought I would share.
We are going to Jason's brother's house for Thanksgiving. Everyone will be there. It will be full of adults talking, children laughing, and the general chaos that ten adults, one teenager, and six children bring. It's the good chaos where you are all together and love having family.
No matter what though, the introvert in me always fights with the excited part of me before holidays. I always look forward to the food and family and laughter...and I always dread not having me time. It has gotten worse over the past year as well. I am used to my life consisting of Abigail and I all day, and then Jason added in the evening. Even with that I sometimes need to get away by myself.
However this Thanksgiving has me thinking a little more about family and being thankful. I think it is because I am thankful to have a wonderful husband and daughter. I am thankful to look around and know that we have lots of friends. I am thankful that we have extended family, and that we get to spend time with them.
Since Saturday I have thought about our friend's who lost their home to a fire. The mom has been through a lot in her life. She lost a baby to SIDS when he was around 10 months. She lost a husband to cancer a few years back. And less than a week before Thanksgiving she lost her home to a fire. Every time I think about that all I can do is be grateful. I have a wonderful baby, husband, and home. I have lost none of those things...and I have much more beyond that!
So I am fighting harder with the introvert in me to remember that I will return to my introverted ways in a few days. For now though I am going to look forward to the family, food, laughter, and chaos. I have been given much to be thankful for!

Happy Thanksgiving,

And they'll know we are Christians by our love....

A baptism at the river...and all of those present to witness.

I feel like I need to debrief from my day so this seems a good place to do it. It started out chaotic and just seemed to stay on that path all day. However it was also one of the most beautiful displays of the body of Christ I've ever been a part of.
One of the things I love about our lives is living in community. We moved intentionally into a neighborhood. We live within walking distance of most of the people we go to church with. We know our neighbors and are familiar with quite a few people who live in our neighborhood.
So this morning a group of us were at a house for woman's Bible study. Someone else from our church knocked to tell us that a neighbor's house was on fire.
Within minutes there was a group of people jumping in. There were people who were closer to the family hugging, talking, calling red cross. There was a few of us who took the three younger kids to a house to eat lunch and not worry about the logistics of it all. There were people who went into the house, when it was cleared, and bagged all the laundry. There are households washing load after load of laundry right now to get the smell out.
The family is in a hotel for the next two nights. Someone will go pick the kids up for church in the morning. Someone took them dinner tonight. Someone else will take them dinner tomorrow night. There is another person having all of the clean laundry brought to her house so she can keep it until they figure out what they are doing.
I was with the kids all day. I am certain that there were so many more things going on behind the scenes that other people weren't aware of. It was a horrible situation that reminded me of what amazing people I have in my life.
I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am for the people who have touched our lives since we lived here. It was interesting to watch everything unfold today. There are four kids in the family and each one seems to have a family from church they spend lots of time with. Their mom comes to our church sometimes, and goes to another church sometimes.
However I see this woman when I am on walks with Abigail all the time. She is one of the woman who tells me I am doing a good job on Abigail's hair and it means so much to me. I have known her children for five years. She and her family are part of our community.
So on my way home tonight I was glad that my part of the day was over. I was tired and ready to see my husband and daughter. I cranked up the radio and looked forward to the scream that would ensue from a sweet little girl when I got home. It was a little weird knowing that there was a family mourning and working through the fact that their house had caught on fire. I was done with my "shift" of helping. I would go home and pray for them and do some of their laundry. There wasn't anything else I could do, but there is always this weird feeling when you go home to your life and you know that the person you are leaving can't just go on with life.
However the cranked up radio began playing one of my favorite songs. It was the perfect words for the day....
"Everyone needs compassion a love that's never failing, let mercy fall on me. Everyone needs forgiveness, the kindness of a Savior, the Hope of nations." (Mighty to Save)


That's what this family needed. Compassion and the kindness of a Savior. That's what we are called to be as the body of Christ. A beautiful picture of Christ. I am so grateful to be part of this beautiful body. It is not perfect, but watching it in action today reminds me of the love we are called to show, and how fortunate we are to be part of a body that is great at showing this love.





In awe of the beauty I saw today,

Papa

This is all Jason did until we could finally hold Abigail. You can look and tell how much he loved her from the first moment.

The same thing happens to me every night when I get in bed. I am exhausted from the day. Yesterday I was more exhausted than usual because I spent the day cleaning out closets, and going through the areas of our home where loose papers, and small items that we don't know what to do with go. So back to bed. I am so tired and ready to lay down. My head hits the pillow, Jason starts snoring and my head begins running at cheetah speeds.
I think about the day, the next day, Abigail, Jason...I go through what meals I will make and what groceries we need. Did I start the dishwasher? What was that noise? I go through the list of things I said to other people that day that were stupid, and how they are probably laying in bed thinking about how stupid that thing was. I remember the time the dog ate my nutty bar when I was three. I think about my family.
I was doing all of these things last night. I get more and more annoyed with each thought that my brain won't shut it's mouth so I can sleep. So then I go through the stop thinking, stop thinking, stop thinking, that man at the stop sign today went before it was his turn. Did I turn on the dishwasher? I forgot to clean out the fridge so I could put those dishes in the dishwasher. Will we get the results of the ultrasound tomorrow? Will they be normal? I'm sure you are loving hearing about what I think, but I am getting to the point.
About ten minutes in last night I felt someone sitting on the bed with me. You know the way a parent does when they are reassuring a sick child, or after a nightmare. I couldn't literally feel someone, but they were there. And I hear that still small voice that I love so much to hear.
I felt Him bend down and kiss all over my face, and He just said "I love you." It wasn't profound in the way some of the things He has spoken have been. It was exactly what I needed to hear.
There's this large part of me that longs so much for a daddy who loves me. I guess my dad probably does, but he doesn't talk to me so I don't know. When I see Jason with Abigail it makes me heart feel full. It is healing to watch a daddy love their daughter so much. It helps me to remember the way God feels about me.
There are lots of days though where I don't feel beautiful or loved. I don't know what my identity is. I don't know if anyone really likes me, or if I make a difference in the world. Maybe lots of other people feel this way, or maybe it's just me. And sometimes when I see how much Jason loves Abigail, how she lights up and screams when he gets home from work, and how after she's in bed he recalls things she's done (even naughty things) and laughs affectionately at how great she is; I am sad that I never had that. I am grieved that my dad does not, nor has he ever, felt that way about me.
So when I got that feeling of Him kissing me all over the face over and over again, I can't begin to describe how much it made my heart leap. This is something I do with Abigail. I just love her so much that I want to keep kissing her over and over until she pushes me away. To know that the God who created the universe feels that way about me, like He just can't kiss me enough, well that's all I need to get through today.
I hope and pray someday that my dad and I will be reconciled. However God has shown me through Jason, and Himself, what a daddy is. There is nothing more beautiful that a father and his daughter together. I am overjoyed that Abigail has a papa who loves her this way. I am also overjoyed that I have a Papa who loves me this way.





Enjoying the love of my Papa,